Pesach 2017

It's a beautiful, gorgeous day and everything is calm and clean before the holiday starts. The only thing I have left is to do my nails. Well, whatever is left of them after the week of cleaning, shopping, and cooking. I love this holiday and I'm excited it's nearly here. 

I remember this time last year having similar thoughts about everyone with strollers and bikes taking advantage of the beautiful weather with their kids. Last year things were looking up: we had just gotten great news that our cycle resulted in 6 blasts getting ready to be genetically tested, three of which turned out to be healthy and transferable. Little did we know then that two of the transfers would result in miscarriages. It's been a heartbreaking year looking back. Disappointments over and over. At that point I was thinking that next year things will be different.

Yet here we are. Not much has changed. We are on the brink of transfer #5. Bracing ourselves for the best and the worst. Emotions are all over the place internally as I try to keep my composure to face day to day life. Work still needs to get completed; errands still need to be done; life goes on.

Everyone has their own struggle. I know that. It's impossible to compare one person's life to another. Just last month I met a couple who got married a year ago and already has a 3 month old baby. Just today I found out that the husband has tantrums where he just disappears for hours at a time. That's terrible. It's not better or worse than my struggle, just different. Each person has his or her own challenges.

I try not to let the triggers get to me. I know that when ignorant people say things, unknowingly painful, that they're just being dense.  The other day I figured it was time to change my fb profile picture - it was long overdue for an update. I chose a picture at random from previously posted pictures. It happens to be a nice picture of my husband and I (which is why I chose it) but I didn't realize it would be added to everyone's newsfeed and announce this change to the world. I got several compliments and Likes.  Then I got a specific comment from someone: "How have you both not aged in a decade?!" to which someone else responded: "It's bc they don't have kids! I, on the other hand, have aged 20 years in a decade!!!"

I know it was meant in jest. I know I shouldn't give it another thought. I know some people can't give a compliment without putting someone else down. But it felt like a punch in the gut when I read it. I don't even need to list all the reasons why it was hurtful. I rarely post anything personal on fb. Between friending work people and acquaintances rather than just personal friends I have no expectation of privacy. Anything that's posted online, no matter what security settings are set, is now online for anyone and everyone to see. When that was posted on my picture, I felt like it was opening a wound for anyone in my world to see. I felt like it was exposing the most vulnerable part of my life to everyone.

Rather than making a big deal of it, I left it up. It's a part of who I am. I'm not one to air my challenges out in front of everyone but I'm also not hiding them. It's a fact of my life right now, one which I hope changes very soon, but for the time being I'm not ashamed or afraid to talk about it. It is what it is. I left it up because I know that if I saw that on someone else's wall it would give me an opening to start a conversation and reach out to them. Maybe it will help someone else, maybe it won't. I think there's already so much stigma around infertility and childless people that there's no need to add to the secrecy. People suffer in silence unnecessarily and I'm not interested in promoting that attitude. So it stayed up. Even when women go on to have babies, their past losses and struggles are still part of who they are. It's not a secret and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Still, a little tact. Sheesh.

Lovenox injections start today. I have a chart written out to keep track of everything - it's getting complicated! We also got a shabbos lamp for our room to do the PIO injections there instead of the living room where we normally do it since we're having company for the first days of Pesach.

In preps for FET I've tentatively scheduled a massage for Thursday. My usual person will be out of town but she'll try to fit me in when she's back. Otherwise I'll go elsewhere or skip it. Other than shots and vitamins I'm not really doing much else. Staying relaxed and keeping calm. I've already stocked the freezer with prepared shabbat and second days meals so I can just chill after the transfer. We're staying home for second days. We told people we're not going anywhere because need to recover from our first days company but it's really because I don't want to add any unnecessary stress for the first few days after transfer.

I'm feeling very mixed about this next chapter. I'm a naturally optimistic person so I want so much to let the hope spring forth and take over. But I'm also a realistic person and the past four failures are weighing heavily on my heart. "If it didn't work then why should it work now" creeps into my mind often. Even so, I still want to believe that it will eventually work for us, and if that's the case then why not now? I'm fully on board this train. I know that getting my hopes up may make it harder if there's another failure, but for me being hopeful feels more natural and comfortable. There are times to despair but now is not it and until I hear otherwise I'm eagarly anticipating what comes next.