Privacy

Yesterday I lost my marbles.

My husband was talking to his family after shabbat as he usually does on Saturday nights. As he was giving them a run down of this week's adventures in his life, he mentions, "She's still pregnant."

Thinking back now, I can see why he didn't think it was a big deal. At the time, however, I just completely lost it. At first I gave him a sharp look and as he's on the phone he's mouthing out to me a confused, "What?" while smiling. When he got off the phone I started yelling at him.

I was upset that he referred to it so casually. I was upset that it was mentioned off-hand in the same highlight reel as the weather. I was upset that his parents continue to get up-to-the-minute updates about the goings-on of my uterus. I was upset that I felt referred to as a piece of meat. I was upset that it sounded like the rest of the sentence could have been, "...and hasn't failed us yet."

Obviously at least half of those things are ridiculous. I know that he doesn't take any of this lightly or that he thinks anything remotely disrespecting about me. At the moment I couldn't see past my feelings and really let him have it. Confused and upset, thinking I'm asking him not to share this news with his parents, he yells back and a shouting match ensues. In the decade we've been together, I can count on one hand the times we've ever yelled at each other like that.

I wasn't asking him not to tell his parents. I told mine. I actually don't care who he tells as long as they're discreet because it's obviously very early and anything can happen. I cared that it was mentioned so dismissively. The truth is I mostly cared because they never ask how I'm doing or feeling. They get to know intimate details about my life and body but never once asked about me as a person. It's just not fair.

Once we calmed down, my husband asked me what I want him to do. Clearly there's a larger issue here which is that there's zero relationship between me and my in-laws. It's not strained or complicated - it's just non-existent. They are lovely people who would mortgage their house in a heartbeat if we needed bail money, but are not the type to send presents for birthdays or special occasions (anniversary/holidays/etc). They love their son very, very much and would do absolutely anything for him. They are culturally different and socially inexperienced so none of that connection ever spilled over to me. They don't call me directly, not even for birthdays or when I had any of my surgeries. I never pushed it when we first got married and it just stayed as is. The most I get is "send regards" once in a while through my husband when he talks to them.

I do feel partially responsible for not making more of an effort throughout the years. It's also partially my husband's fault who doesn't see the value in a connection between me and his family and so never really made the effort to be the go-between. All that aside, I understand that when we have news he wants to share it with them. I just hate that I feel like people who don't care about me at all, whether that's true or just my perception, are getting my most intimate information.

I don't think there is anything to do. Even if I ask my husband to say something to them, what would it be? It would just make everything awkward and uncomfortable. They don't think there's an issue. It's not going to change them. I'm not looking to change them. What do I want at this point? It would be nice if they cared enough to ask me how I'm doing. I know they're not doing it maliciously, they just don't think of it. It would be nice if they sent a birthday present or a hostess gift when they come visit, but how do you tell someone you want them to buy you a gift? No, I'd never ask him to say any of that. I'd rather he just stopped telling them stuff, but I know that's not an option either.

In any case, it was a full-blown fight at my house last night. I have to admit it was nice to release some stress at the top of my voice. These hormones are something else! The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes, if that. After some conversation and lots of crying on my part we all calmed down. I know we don't have an answer and that it won't get easier with time, but for now not having a solution is just what it is.