Whirlwind

I knew it was going to be busy so being exhausted shouldn't surprise me. Both work and home have been a crazy whirlwind the past few days.

Yesterday was the craziest yet. I had a really rough day at work with non-stop fires to put out for Sunday's event. I was supposed to leave at 4 pm to finish prepping and setting up for the 7B but I didn't get out until 5 and had to rush to finish and get there before guests started arriving at 6. We got home at 9:30 and I couldn't move anymore. I just collapsed into bed completely exhausted. My back and legs are sore today from running around the whole day.

Pregnancy is in my face everywhere. I haven't had any time to think about it. I ran into my next door neighbor yesterday, whom I haven't seen in a while, and noticed her bump. At 7B yesterday someone I know was struggling with infertility showed up with her bump and is due in June. Most notably is my coworker whose desk is right near mine. She just started her second trimester and as her news travels people come over to our area to congratulate her. It's literally in my face all day long.

How am I supposed to react to that? It's hard to put the struggle into words, especially when I'm trying to type in a hurry to get my thoughts down. I don't fault any of them for moving on with their lives and having children. It's such a normal part of life. The fact that it comes so difficult to some people is abnormal and unnatural. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that it's a slight punch in the gut every time I see another one who seemed to have succeeded while I'm still struggling and sticking long-ass needles in my sensitive parts just to get to where they are. Having a transfer around the corner is giving me hope and letting me feel like maybe I can also join the ranks shortly if I just hang on. I don't even want to imagine if I miscarry the next transfer while my coworker continues her pregnancy.

I think asking her to move her pregnancy conversations elsewhere is rude and unhelpful - she's not talking about it intentionally or maliciously; it's just a major part of her life right now. I understand that. It's such a difficult part of the struggle and I guess I'm just feeling sensitive.