Ides of March

When I checked the calendar and saw that baseline is next week I kind of groaned to myself. Feels like we just finished the last of the IVF cycle recovery/period/mikvah and barely had a breather. We were also obsessing over whether or not to do an endo scratch and that took up a lot of mental capacity.

We know that any decision we make, if it leads to a failed transfer, we will wish we had chosen the other option. We can't keep thinking like that. We can't obsess about things beyond our control. We're trying so hard to predict a future no one can see. Nearly everyone we polled -- we were really struggling with this decision and asked for a lot of opinions -- said not to do it. If I was able to get pregnant twice then implantation isn't my issue. More importantly, we don't know what an endo scratch will do to the lining relative to the ERA results. I don't want to miss the transfer window, since we were led to believe that it's such a narrow time frame.

A crazy option is to do some more ERA tests. Repeat the test with an endo scratch on day 5. Repeat the test with an endo scratch on day 6. Is it insane? Sure. But at least we wouldn't be wasting embryos. We'd be wasting more time and money. In my mind it's better to waste $2k on more ERAs than $20k on another IVF for more embryos. But who knows what that would do to my lining long term. And ouch. We're definitely not doing that.

I had my annual gyn appointment last week and asked for her opinion since I was there already. Her first answer was to stop overthinking it. It isn't a silver bullet and there's no way to know whether or not it helps. She also said that some women aren't meant to get pregnant (she's practical and blunt like that, which is part of the reason why I love her) but that doesn't mean that may be me. She said if we weren't screening for a devastating disease and had tried naturally I probably would have several kids by now. In her opinion, she said she'd throw everything at it; in other words, pro. Her opinion carried more weight so her saying to do it kind of made me continue thinking about it even after we thought we had a decision.

I feel like the endo scratch is the last straw for people who don't know what else to try. It may or may not be so but that's my perception. There was also no information online or through my doctor's office for people who have done both the ERA and the endo scratch. I couldn't find anyone who had any experience with both, let alone a positive pregnancy after doing both.

Ultimately, based on the information we have and the logic we pieced together, we decided to skip the endo scratch this time. It's important for me to write this out so that I can go back to read it in case our transfer fails. I may blame myself if it fails again, but at least I'll know we really put the time and effort into making a thoughtful, intentional choice based on all the information we had at the time.

Beside for all that, I don't think my clinic does this procedure very often. They scheduled to take two biopsies because legally they have to send one to the lab for pathology testing. So I need to go through two uncomfortable biopsies within a week because of legal reasons? That's BS. Maybe that's just the procedure and it really is a double-scratch with a week healing in between but it sounds off to me. It's not only the pain and discomfort of the actual biopsy, it's also the emotional rollercoaster. So before committing to another procedure I'd need to understand more of what it entails. And if my clinic isn't fully equipped to handle it I'm not prepared to do it just because.

We have a week to breathe before we start baseline and shots again. The snow day was a great break from general routine. My husband worked from home but I was officially off. I did a few hours of work but overall chilled. I had Harry Potter on in the background while I was working so that was fun. I also caught up on Big Bang Theory and Last Man on Earth.

I met with a friend earlier this week. We reconnected recently, after I saw her in the hospital when I went to visit someone else. She was about to be induced with her first baby after a long struggle with infertility. She had multiple unexplained losses.  Her issue was staying pregnant. It was nice chatting with someone who gets it. Someone who is also Type A personality who needs to know and has to fix and wants to change. Someone who feels like they can if they just find the problem and address it. Her baby is less than 3 months old and she's already thinking about #2. She had a classic, uncomplicated pregnancy and yet she didn't believe they were taking home a baby until they strapped her in the carseat on the day they got released.

I had plans to drop some weight before this next transfer. But it's coming up so fast I barely had enough time to get rid of the IVF bloat I was carrying around from February. I have a physical next week and I'm getting routine bloodwork. I don't know if my reg doc can recommend anything but willing to ask. For a hot second I thought of maybe postponing the transfer so we can get a little bit of a longer break. We both quickly shot that idea down - neither of us like that. A break may be nice but we don't want to push off a transfer.

I'm worried about the next transfer in a hazy sort of way. It's constantly in the back of my mind yet I'm in denial it's around the corner. It's mixed in with Pesach preps so I have an easy distraction when the thought of it gets overwhelming. Part of me just assumes it will be another bust but I can't wrap my mind around another loss. I still haven't been back to Wegman's since the last loss. The idea of another 2WW overwhelms me and I quickly change thought patterns to something else. I want to be excited for it but I'm having a hard time imagining a different outcome than the utter disappointment we've experienced in the past. Four times we've had our hopes raised and four times they were crushed. It's more than just the physical toll it takes; there's an enormous emotional toll every time. We have to make a purposeful and mindful effort to keep our sanity and marriage together through each loss.

At this point it's taking too much effort to psych myself up so I'm not forcing it. I'm going to give myself a break from thinking about it until baseline. I'll have enough time to think about it later. Right now, I'm going to try to enjoy whatever is left of our "break."