Whirlwind

I knew it was going to be busy so being exhausted shouldn't surprise me. Both work and home have been a crazy whirlwind the past few days.

Yesterday was the craziest yet. I had a really rough day at work with non-stop fires to put out for Sunday's event. I was supposed to leave at 4 pm to finish prepping and setting up for the 7B but I didn't get out until 5 and had to rush to finish and get there before guests started arriving at 6. We got home at 9:30 and I couldn't move anymore. I just collapsed into bed completely exhausted. My back and legs are sore today from running around the whole day.

Pregnancy is in my face everywhere. I haven't had any time to think about it. I ran into my next door neighbor yesterday, whom I haven't seen in a while, and noticed her bump. At 7B yesterday someone I know was struggling with infertility showed up with her bump and is due in June. Most notably is my coworker whose desk is right near mine. She just started her second trimester and as her news travels people come over to our area to congratulate her. It's literally in my face all day long.

How am I supposed to react to that? It's hard to put the struggle into words, especially when I'm trying to type in a hurry to get my thoughts down. I don't fault any of them for moving on with their lives and having children. It's such a normal part of life. The fact that it comes so difficult to some people is abnormal and unnatural. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that it's a slight punch in the gut every time I see another one who seemed to have succeeded while I'm still struggling and sticking long-ass needles in my sensitive parts just to get to where they are. Having a transfer around the corner is giving me hope and letting me feel like maybe I can also join the ranks shortly if I just hang on. I don't even want to imagine if I miscarry the next transfer while my coworker continues her pregnancy.

I think asking her to move her pregnancy conversations elsewhere is rude and unhelpful - she's not talking about it intentionally or maliciously; it's just a major part of her life right now. I understand that. It's such a difficult part of the struggle and I guess I'm just feeling sensitive.

FET 5: Baseline

It's a go!

Bloodwork took no less than three sticks. Once again I considered the ramifications of getting a tiny x tattoo right where the vein works. The first tech tried once and tagged out. Second tech felt around for what felt like an eternity before I suggested maybe I can drink some water, do the ultrasound first, and then come back. We did that and after two more sticks they were able to get blood. Jeez.  Even with the delay in drawing I was out within 30 minutes, but I felt justified in giving the appointment its time instead of trying to cram it all stressfully yesterday morning.

So here we are. We've officially started FET 5.

Waiting a day

In breaking news, we postponed baseline by a day. Hear me out.

I have an early morning meeting tomorrow. With all the craziness going on it didn't click that it was a conflict until this morning. Even moving my appointment to the first possible time, I still can't guarantee being at work on time. I'm leading the meeting and there are 20 people expected to be there. It was purposely scheduled several months ago. Rescheduling the meeting was not an option. Skipping the meeting was not an option. I tried to make peace with possibly coming late, but that didn't sit right.

So I called my nurse and asked if I move baseline to Friday, will it affect the rest of the timeline? Will the transfer date be moved? I specified that I only want to make the change if it has no effect no the rest of the schedule. If I can move baseline to Friday and meet my work requirements, then why not. I would not move it if it changed the transfer date.

My husband was not pleased. He said treatment is more important than work. He said I should skip the meeting. In fairness, I don't think he realized that delaying baseline didn't actually delay anything. I was upset at what seemed to be a quick dismissal of my job, or not even considering the ramifications of such an irresponsible move at work.

I would put treatment above work if necessary. I have since day one. I'm tired of bending backward to fit treatment into my schedule instead of the other way around but I do it because it's important and my number one priority. But if it doesn't make any difference overall why not make the change to fit my schedule better?

My nurse called me back and said there's no problem with moving the date, so I took the change and baseline is on Friday.

Even as I'm writing this out I recognize that I'm trying to convince myself a little too. Logically I know there's nothing wrong with making the switch because it doesn't make any difference for the timeline. Logically I know it's normal and healthy to make accommodations for other things in my life and not let treatment overwhelm every aspect of it. Logically I know nothing is different. Still, in my heart I feel like I'm somehow neglecting our efforts by postponing baseline. I can't be upset with my husband for his perspective when it's basically my perspective too. Still, it needed to happen to keep my sanity.

Physical and pregos

I went to my regular doctor yesterday for my physical. I haven't had a physical since 2014. Yikes! I knew it was a while but didn't realize how long its been. I usually go to urgent care for immediate care when I don't feel like waiting. As predicted, I waited half an hour in the waiting room, got called back, and then waited another 35 min in the smaller room. I knew it would happen. I wasn't worried - I took the time off work for the afternoon knowing I'd have a long wait. It's a good doctor with good office staff so it's a trade off.

Everything looked fine. The things that were worrying me were blood pressure and cholesterol but both are good. Everything else in my bloodwork was fine too except low vitamin D, as expected. I talked to her about where we are in our fertility journey and ran through what we've done until now as well as the plan moving forward. She is a good listener and made a few comments but overall no recommended changes.

Also of note yesterday, three things happened in a row. 

First, during our team meeting, one of my coworkers announced she's 13 weeks pregnant with her second baby. It wasn't unexpected. She mentioned that she was sure everyone knew. The truth is I did suspect it but I would never ask. I've suspected it since the summer but, again, I wasn't going to say anything. Turns out she had two miscarriages - once in the summer; once in the fall. So I was right - she was pregnant the whole time, just unfortunately miscarried twice. So now she's pregnant and she's "so glad it's out so she doesn't have to hide it anymore." How am I supposed to react? We work very closely together and I really like her. She's a good team member but I'm worried this will cause resentment. I can't fault her for her success in getting/staying pregnant, but I'm aware this may present a big challenge to see it daily until September.

Then, when I left the office in the afternoon for my doctor's appointment, I called my friend to vent about something unrelated. She mentioned in a by-the-way kind of comment that her cousin who was struggling with infertility for 5 years just had a baby or got pregnant. I said ok, that's cool. She said it makes her happy to hear infertile people have babies, it means it works and gives hope for people who are struggling through it. 

Finally, when I was at the doctor explaining my fertility journey, the doctor mentioned that one of her former assistants got pregnant with twins after several years of infertility. 

So a lot of pregnancy talk yesterday. I'm not sure why people feel the need to share stories of random people for whom fertility treatment works. I guess it's their way of relating? I suppose it's a coping mechanism when they know someone is in the thick of their struggle, possibly as a way to comfort them. As if somehow by saying that if it worked for Random Stranger it can also work for you!  I don't think it works that way. It doesn't comfort me to know that it worked for other people. I'm not mad that it worked for them, but their success has literally no effect on my challenge ahead. Just because it worked for them doesn't mean it will work for me. 

It's different when someone says it happened to them and they're telling me the story first hand. For example, last year I was once in urgent care getting checked out for something I can't remember and the doc ordered some bloodwork. The lab tech taking blood came in while I was telling the doc about all the fertility meds I was currently taking at the time. As the doc left so the tech can take blood, the tech told me he and his wife went through IVF to have their two kids and he understands how tough it can be. It was a very sweet "hang in there, we're rooting for you" message without any empty promises of "it will happen for you." It was very sweet and I was touched he cared enough to mention it. As someone who knows first-hand how hard it can be, his comment held more credibility and he knew how to be sensitive about offering words of support. 

It's hard to know what the right thing to say is, especially when different things resonate with different people. But I wish people wouldn't assume I want to hear about random success stories. I know they're trying to help so there's nothing for me to say. 

Tomorrow is baseline and I hope it's the start of our journey.

Busy

It's Monday! It's Spring! It's the first day of a very busy few weeks. It's also the first day of being more mindful of healthy eating and putting more effort into meal prep. I'm nervous about the next few weeks just thinking about it.

This week I have my annual physical scheduled and baseline for FET 5 later in the week. Both are making me nervous even though there's nothing specific to worry me. There are also a few important meetings and deadlines I have to hit at work.

Next week my friend is getting married and two days later we're co-hosting 7B so I have to cook and shop and prep a bunch of things. That week I also have a girls night out and the new therapist scheduled. One of the days next week is also a big day at work, getting ready for an event the following week.

The following week is the big event at work -- I'm looking forward to the event and looking forward to it being over. I'm the project manager and I need it to be behind me so I can relax mentally pre-transfer. There are a few other things happening at work that week, but not as big and the responsibility is split among some coworkers. I have one late night at work and one early morning - back to back, ugh. At home, that week I need to actually do the majority of Pesach preps - that's happening! It's coming up whether I'm ready or not so I need to start hustling and I probably won't have a chance to start until that week. Luckily I have help scheduled to come but I still have to get the house ready first.

So just a lot happening - very out of my comfort zone to have everything stacked, especially both personally and professionally. Among all this I'm still trying to track down a specific form so I can get my taxes filed. Let the juggling commence! My goal is to get through it with my sanity intact and dropping no balls along the way.

Happy Spring!

Therapy

A while back we considered starting therapy. Neither of us has been to therapy before and didn't know anything about the process. I had no idea how to find someone or where to start. It took a lot of effort to find someone that fit all our criteria but we finally did and scheduled the appointment.

We had an initial reaction when we first walked in but tried to reserve judgement. The place was cluttered with knick-knacks and lots of throw pillows. He had socks on but no shoes, possibly because he was overweight and they were swollen? I don't know. Maybe he was going for a homey/comfy feel but to me it felt stuffy, overcrowded, and unprofessional.

All that aside, we wanted to give him a fair shot. Since we had nothing to compare it to, we just assumed this was normal. We sat and talked for an hour. I felt like the therapist spent a lot of time talking. He was pleasant and friendly; he seemed experienced and knowledgeable.

After the first appointment we weren't thrilled but then again didn't really know what to expect. My husband, who is not nearly as judgey as I am, felt like he was an ok therapist and we should give him another chance. I wasn't too keen on starting the search process over so we went back for session two.

At the second session, it was more of the same with him chatting a lot. At one point he was trying to explain something and he asked, "Do you have any kids?" I did not like that question. We clearly explained in the first session that we were there because of infertility and loss - what kind of therapist doesn't take notes and then forgets a key reason why we're there? We got through the session but on the way home we both agreed that it was an egregious error. As daunting as the task was to start the search over I wasn't interested in settling for this guy.

For the second search, I reached out to a community resource who was able to guide me through finding someone. I was given recommendations for 4 therapists that were a better fit. I researched all and picked the one that fit almost all our criteria: he has Sunday/eve hours and he's a specialist in his field. Bonus is that he also texts/emails and he understands Jewish law. The only catch is that he doesn't take our insurance. Paying out of network can get pricey but after we meet our deductible the sessions would be covered at 70%. So we decided to give it a try and the appointment is next week.

Ides of March

When I checked the calendar and saw that baseline is next week I kind of groaned to myself. Feels like we just finished the last of the IVF cycle recovery/period/mikvah and barely had a breather. We were also obsessing over whether or not to do an endo scratch and that took up a lot of mental capacity.

We know that any decision we make, if it leads to a failed transfer, we will wish we had chosen the other option. We can't keep thinking like that. We can't obsess about things beyond our control. We're trying so hard to predict a future no one can see. Nearly everyone we polled -- we were really struggling with this decision and asked for a lot of opinions -- said not to do it. If I was able to get pregnant twice then implantation isn't my issue. More importantly, we don't know what an endo scratch will do to the lining relative to the ERA results. I don't want to miss the transfer window, since we were led to believe that it's such a narrow time frame.

A crazy option is to do some more ERA tests. Repeat the test with an endo scratch on day 5. Repeat the test with an endo scratch on day 6. Is it insane? Sure. But at least we wouldn't be wasting embryos. We'd be wasting more time and money. In my mind it's better to waste $2k on more ERAs than $20k on another IVF for more embryos. But who knows what that would do to my lining long term. And ouch. We're definitely not doing that.

I had my annual gyn appointment last week and asked for her opinion since I was there already. Her first answer was to stop overthinking it. It isn't a silver bullet and there's no way to know whether or not it helps. She also said that some women aren't meant to get pregnant (she's practical and blunt like that, which is part of the reason why I love her) but that doesn't mean that may be me. She said if we weren't screening for a devastating disease and had tried naturally I probably would have several kids by now. In her opinion, she said she'd throw everything at it; in other words, pro. Her opinion carried more weight so her saying to do it kind of made me continue thinking about it even after we thought we had a decision.

I feel like the endo scratch is the last straw for people who don't know what else to try. It may or may not be so but that's my perception. There was also no information online or through my doctor's office for people who have done both the ERA and the endo scratch. I couldn't find anyone who had any experience with both, let alone a positive pregnancy after doing both.

Ultimately, based on the information we have and the logic we pieced together, we decided to skip the endo scratch this time. It's important for me to write this out so that I can go back to read it in case our transfer fails. I may blame myself if it fails again, but at least I'll know we really put the time and effort into making a thoughtful, intentional choice based on all the information we had at the time.

Beside for all that, I don't think my clinic does this procedure very often. They scheduled to take two biopsies because legally they have to send one to the lab for pathology testing. So I need to go through two uncomfortable biopsies within a week because of legal reasons? That's BS. Maybe that's just the procedure and it really is a double-scratch with a week healing in between but it sounds off to me. It's not only the pain and discomfort of the actual biopsy, it's also the emotional rollercoaster. So before committing to another procedure I'd need to understand more of what it entails. And if my clinic isn't fully equipped to handle it I'm not prepared to do it just because.

We have a week to breathe before we start baseline and shots again. The snow day was a great break from general routine. My husband worked from home but I was officially off. I did a few hours of work but overall chilled. I had Harry Potter on in the background while I was working so that was fun. I also caught up on Big Bang Theory and Last Man on Earth.

I met with a friend earlier this week. We reconnected recently, after I saw her in the hospital when I went to visit someone else. She was about to be induced with her first baby after a long struggle with infertility. She had multiple unexplained losses.  Her issue was staying pregnant. It was nice chatting with someone who gets it. Someone who is also Type A personality who needs to know and has to fix and wants to change. Someone who feels like they can if they just find the problem and address it. Her baby is less than 3 months old and she's already thinking about #2. She had a classic, uncomplicated pregnancy and yet she didn't believe they were taking home a baby until they strapped her in the carseat on the day they got released.

I had plans to drop some weight before this next transfer. But it's coming up so fast I barely had enough time to get rid of the IVF bloat I was carrying around from February. I have a physical next week and I'm getting routine bloodwork. I don't know if my reg doc can recommend anything but willing to ask. For a hot second I thought of maybe postponing the transfer so we can get a little bit of a longer break. We both quickly shot that idea down - neither of us like that. A break may be nice but we don't want to push off a transfer.

I'm worried about the next transfer in a hazy sort of way. It's constantly in the back of my mind yet I'm in denial it's around the corner. It's mixed in with Pesach preps so I have an easy distraction when the thought of it gets overwhelming. Part of me just assumes it will be another bust but I can't wrap my mind around another loss. I still haven't been back to Wegman's since the last loss. The idea of another 2WW overwhelms me and I quickly change thought patterns to something else. I want to be excited for it but I'm having a hard time imagining a different outcome than the utter disappointment we've experienced in the past. Four times we've had our hopes raised and four times they were crushed. It's more than just the physical toll it takes; there's an enormous emotional toll every time. We have to make a purposeful and mindful effort to keep our sanity and marriage together through each loss.

At this point it's taking too much effort to psych myself up so I'm not forcing it. I'm going to give myself a break from thinking about it until baseline. I'll have enough time to think about it later. Right now, I'm going to try to enjoy whatever is left of our "break."