This week

It's been a rough weekend. I took the rest of the day off Friday after we got the news. My supervisor was very supportive. I spent most of Friday in disbelief crying on my husband's shoulder.

We were scheduled to go to a family kiddush on shabbat but the thought of going to shul and being among all those pregnant women, strollers, and little kids was too much. I couldn't stop crying long enough to look presentable in public so we skipped it. My husband considered going on his own to represent but he didn't want to leave me alone. He's been amazing. I know he's processing it differently, and that he's not dealing with the hormones, but it's his loss too and I appreciate that he's putting my needs first. At one point I woke up in the middle of night to cry. It's just such overwhelming grief. Tears continued on Saturday.

We're lucky to be surrounded by love. I texted my siblings on Friday. I was hoping to be able to share the good news with them after we heard the heartbeat. Instead I had terrible news to share. We had visitors on Friday and again on Saturday. My sister came with her 5 month old which we dubbed the Therapy Baby. I talked about it over and over again. It was incredibly therapeutic to discuss it freely. I'm able to talk about it now without automatically tearing up. This morning we had a session with our therapist. It was pre-scheduled but timing worked out well.

I last spoke to my RE at 3:30 PM on Friday and he presented the options: do nothing and let it pass naturally, methotrexate, or D&C.  We're not even considering the methotrexate. Originally I wanted to let it pass naturally. I'm sick and tired of the medications and procedures and just want to let my body heal. The problem with that is that it may take weeks/months. The other issue is that my body still thinks it's pregnant along with all the side effects. Every time I felt a wave of nausea over the weekend I got angry and bitter. I couldn't believe I've been suffering with the nausea, the symptoms, the shots for so long for nothing. Just so ridiculous. At least when there's a baby you think there's a point. Essentially nothing has changed between Thursday and today except that now we know it's an empty sac and I just want it out.

We're leaning toward the D&C. I'd like to schedule it for Friday for two reasons. First, because then I have the long holiday weekend to recover. Second, because I want to see what happens when my body gets rid of the majority of the medications. I was worried about weaning off of the bloodthinners when the time came at the end of the second trimester. It was basically an experiment and I didn't know if the pregnancy would suddenly abort itself if I stopped cold turkey, since a lot women I know who take it need it for the duration of the entire pregnancy. Granted, those women are taking it because there's something in their blood to indicate its necessity, but we were throwing darts in the dark. I was tested and all came back normal yet we still opted to give it a try. Did it work? Who knows. All I know is that this is the furthest we've gotten so far. So this is a good a time as any to test it out: If my body gets a week break of shots, will it expel the pregnancy on its own - that's what I want to figure out.  A third reason which didn't really make it into consideration but is a bonus, is that it's our busiest time of year at work and I didn't want to feel like I'm flaking out. Obviously my health comes first and if I needed to be home/recovering I would. My supervisor would completely understand. It happens to be that it works out this way.

So what's next? Nothing.  My body will take time to heal. I understand that my period may not come for about 6 weeks after the D&C. It will be a forced break to regroup and recharge, which may not be so bad since we've been going at this non-stop since summer 2015. Maybe we'll take a vacation for our anniversary. Maybe we'll finally renovate something in the house. I don't know. I know that I want to try again. I know I'm not done. I also know that it's going to take time to recover emotionally. We were so invested. We were so happy. We were under the impression we were seven months away from meeting our miracle and the rug was completely pulled from under us.

I hate that my anxiety and fear won this time. It will make it that much harder to believe in the future. Not impossible, but definitely harder.

I've had a challenging time with prayer. It's hard to keep praying when I know it was in His control whether this pregnancy succeeded or not. It's hard to continue believing that his master plan is all for the best when you can't fathom why this didn't work. I guess it's not up t me to understand. I know that sometimes we pray and the answer is just "No." Doesn't mean I can't keep praying or trying.

In other news, I can now get that root canal for the crown that needs work. My pregnancy didn't work out and my consolation prize is a root canal. May as well get all the shitty stuff out of the way to make room for some good things in the future.

And that was it

There's little worse than having all your worst fears come true. The thing about infertility anxiety is that it's based on real fears; and when the worst happens it validates all the anxiety you were feeling until that point.

At 7w5d today's ultrasound there was no hearbeat. No fetal pole.  It's over.

Lag Sameach

Ten years ago my grandmother, my mother's mother, passed away on Mother's day. While it was a surprise that it happened that particular day, it was not a shock because her health was deteriorating. The following year it felt wrong to celebrate on Mother's day so we started the tradition of celebrating my mother on the Friday prior. It's been 10 years and we still think of my grandmother often, remembering her stories, her recipes, and her love of life.

My dislike for Mother's Day didn't start with my grandmother's passing, nor was it a result of our infertility journey. It has to do with the fakeness of the holiday. With everything being posted online it starts to feel like a contest of kids projects and husbands one-upping each other. I believe this holiday started out with altruistic roots and over time it became misconstrued and over commercialized. 

The inclusiveness has gotten out of hand. I saw a chart on buzzfeed (that I wish I'd saved because now I can't link it) which suggested different types of flowers for other women, i.e., those who have lost a child or lost their mother. They also had a suggestion for women who have chosen not to become mothers. I don't think those are in the same category! If you chose not to have children then you're not a mother and mother's day isn't for you. You don't have to be included. 

Through no fault of my own, I am not a mother and mother's day isn't about me. It may be painful and I appreciate some tactful sensitivity when appropriate, but I don't need special flowers on Mother's day. Grandparents Day and Fathers Day are also not about me - it may hold a little less sensitivity but to me it's the same concept. Why be inclusive where it doesn't belong?  

On Friday one of the friendly maintenance guys was going around wishing everyone a happy mother's day. When he got to me he asked if I have kids, and when I said no, he's like "Oh I thought you did!" Awkward. Why do we need to go through this conversation every year? I also didn't need the cashier at the grocery store this morning to wish me a happy mother's day. Isn't it pointless coming from people who never benefited from your role as a mother?

What is the point of a message like this on social media: "To my amazing mom....[insert long post]... and even though you're not on facebook I love you a lot!"  Are you serious? Why are you posting something she'll never even see? Did you even call her today? Along the same lines, I don't understand the posts starting with, "To all the awesome moms out there..." - why are you wishing random people a happy Mother's day? Doesn't that dilute any kind of meaning to wishes you possibly sent your own mom? 

Mothers should be celebrated. They should be put on a pedestal for the incredible work, devotion, and sacrifice that they do to make their children survive and thrive. Over the years I think the meaning of this holiday got lost. I'm not sure of the purpose of posting what your kids made for you on social media other than for humble-brag purposes, which are designed to make someone else feel bad. Why not just enjoy your kids and your new gifts? Why does it have to become public too? 

I hope that one day I can join the ranks of motherhood despite, not because of, this holiday. What am I missing? Do I just not understand the way the holiday evolved?  Maybe I just don't get it. 

First of the season

It's been a long week. I wake up in the mornings feeling hung over and groggy and puffy. Morning nausea lasts until lunch time and if I eat a solid lunch then it simmers down to manageable levels. I've been uncomfortably gassy and running to the bathroom constantly with a lot of TMI. There's a special gross-factor about taking pills with water on an empty stomach, while nauseous, and knowing the pills will make them worse. But sometimes happens when I'm running late in the mornings.

All that pales to the anxiety. Today that boiled over. I was running errands, getting stuff ready for Shabbat and for my mom for Mother's day. I thought I should drink more water but figured I'd get to it as soon as I got home. I later had some cramps that were.... different. Then I went to the bathroom and found discharge that was... different. I freaked out. I started contemplating whether this is the beginning of the end. At some point the tears started and I just couldn't stop. I decided to take a shower to try to calm down.  Things took a turn when I decided to brush my teeth to get rid of the gross taste in my mouth. Between the tears, runny nose, and sobs I gagged on the toothpaste and then threw up. Luckily it was mainly water but the whole thing just upset me more. First barf of the season.

My husband heard and came over. He helped me clean up and did what he could to try to settle me down. It wasn't until I thoughtfully and purposefully made up my mind that everything is from Him and that there's nothing I can do either way, that I started to calm down. 

I had more thoughts but it's almost Shabbat. It's just insane to realize that infertility trauma is for life. It never goes away and there's no time you feel you can breathe easy. Every day is a miracle; every day we get closer is just one rung higher to fall if it all goes sideways.  Praying and hoping that doesn't happen. 

Shabbat shalom.

Dentist and toots

I went to the dentist this morning for a cleaning and checkup. In general I usually have no issues with my teeth. There's one exception, a back molar, that needed a crown last summer. It's not even a year later and I'm having issues with the tooth again. In part, the crown is not getting enough contact on either side so they are replacing it at no charge. But it's also started being sensitive to heat in recent weeks and he's concerned the nerve may be dying. Being proactive, the dentist suggested getting the root canal now as part of the process of replacing the crown instead of waiting until it hurts and then having to replace the crown a third time.

I told the dentist that there's a chance I may be pregnant (that's as comfortable as I could get to mentioning it) and asked whether that may effect treatment. He said in that case wait until second trimester to schedule the root canal. He was talking loudly about trimesters and pregnancy, which made me think, "Ugh, keep it down."  Dentist left and the hygienist was so great about it - she kept saying, "When you have the information... So when you confirm..." She got me. She totally got me on this.

As I was walking toward the front desk, I saw my supervisor with her son sitting in the waiting room, smiling and waving as they saw me approach. Omg did she hear? Does she know? Immediately I worry about what was or wasn't overheard. It's not like she won't know eventually but it's too early. Too soon. Not ready. Anything can happen. She's a great supervisor and of all people to overhear, if she did, I'm glad it was her, but still.

In other news I emailed my doctor about some specific discomfort. I know it's normal to be gassy and that's just something I embrace as part of the package of this magical time. My concern is that when I get gassy I feel pressure on the left side of my chest. I'm not interested in dropping dead of a heart attack so I got nervous and emailed my RE asking if the meds I'm on are a possible culprit of this symptom.  His response was, "The symptoms you describe are not related to any of the medications you are taking. You could contact your primary care physician but doubt there is a problem."

While that's reassuring, I still put in a call to my PCP and am waiting to hear back from her. I just had blood pressure and cholesterol checked in March so that's also reassuring. It's still disconcerting to feel pain around the heart area. For all I know it's perfectly normal and not at all an issue and if that's the case it's not at all bothering me. I wouldn't even call it pain, it's more pressure and doesn't come with any of the other classic symptoms (shortness of breath, tingly arm, neck pain, sweating, etc.) that are known as classic heart problems. I'd still rather check it out just in case. I'm fine with being slightly embarrassed to be an alarmist or tell the doctors I'm gassy on the off-chance this is an actual issue.

FET 5: 5w5d on 5/5

Ultrasound today took about five minutes total. The doctor came in with a nurse. She started the ultrasound while the doc chatted with us. 

He confirmed that the embryo implanted in the uterus, cheered, wished us luck, and left for his next appointment while the nurse stayed behind to take more measurements. She also checked the ovaries to make sure they're back to normal size, which is protocol for IVF even after a frozen transfer. Before she finished she handed us a picture of the sac. 

We scheduled a second ultrasound for two weeks from now for them to check for heartbeat and do other measurements. That appointment is scheduled for half an hour. 

I've been having cramps on and off. Whenever they start up I drink more water and park my butt until they subside. I don't want my muscles atrophying but I'm also worried about straining too much. Every time I walk a bit I start feeling it - which could be completely normal, I don't know. I'll add it to the list of questions for my regular ob/gyn if I'm lucky to get to that point of being released from the fertility clinic.  

Shabbat shalom!

So far

When things get real, they get real very fast. There are so many things we did to prepare, physically and mentally: exercising regularly, taking supplements, establishing good sleeping habits, meal planning and better eating. When things take a turn, it's a completely different ballgame. Even though it's something we've been waiting for and hoping for for so long, it seems like things changed overnight. This is unknown territory, for starters. Everything is scary, everything is new. I'm happy to accommodate the new normal, it's just a learning curve.

I know a lot of my symptoms are due to the medications I'm on, though it's impossible to tell for sure. I fear if I complain it will suddenly go away, but the nausea has been constant since I started taking the meds (even before the transfer). I'm also really bloated and gassy to the point that regular clothing have become uncomfortable. There are random pulls and tugs, especially when I stand up after sitting for a while. Today was the first day my boobs have felt really sore and were instantly better when I got home and changed into PJs.

I've been taking it easy. I haven't worked out since the transfer which is probably not the best idea but I've been worried about putting too much strain. The most I've done is walked around the block, 20 min max. I've gotten the same amount of sleep but I wake up exhausted which makes my awake time less efficient - I can't run errands at the same speed; I get less work done in the same amount of time. We were running low on groceries and I had no energy to go or convince my husband to go so I ended up ordering most of the groceries on Amazon Prime. It was amazing!  Delivered to my house within two hours and I got 98% of what I wanted.

Shots have been going ok. I'm starting to feel like a pincushion and running out of places to poke. The bruises on my belly have gotten intense. My butt has all but lost feeling in the injection areas but ironically is now more sensitive during the stick. I'm filling sharps boxes more quickly than I can keep up that I started asking for two when picking up refills.

I now understand why pregnant women are constantly rubbing their belly. I used to think it was so pretentious and unnecessary. I used to think it was because people are mocking me and they're all in on it together. It's actually more simple than that: being pregnant is different than just having a bump with a pillow like they do on TV. There's constant activity going on in there and it's literally on your mind all day long. The rub is subconscious and likely unintentional. I apologize to all the women in my past whom I have judged unfairly.  

If I feel this crappy so early on how will I last until the end? What else could I have done to prepare better? I'm concerned about the next steps. I'm worried about how many things need to go right and how much time needs to pass before we have a baby in our arms. We're praying and hoping this is it.

For those still in the trenches, I'm thinking about you and I hope your world changes for the better overnight some day soon.