Contented

The past few days I've been so tired. As in, unable to keep my eyes open past 8:30 PM tired. Maybe it's the weather? Maybe it's residual jetlag? Maybe effects of the flu shot from Friday? I don't know. The flip side of it is that I've been up before 5 AM in the morning. It's been getting better every day, now to the point that I can asleep until my alarm so I think we're slowly transitioning back to normal.

I've also been feeling really content. I don't know if I'd go so far as saying "happy" but I might be that too. I've been feeling optimistic about this upcoming cycle even though I know how dangerous that is. I can't help it, I'm naturally a positive, hopeful person. I feel like we've put some really good things in motion for this one, including adding the thyroid meds; doing the hysteroscopy which counts as an endo scratch; and since we've done the ERA, they've perfected the procedure - more on that in a minute. In addition, I've read old posts and found that when I take a vitamin D3 supplement the transfers have done better. I don't know if that actually does something but I've added it just in case.

I don't feel that we deserve for this to work, per se. It's not like it will suddenly be different because we've "put in the time and effort" so now it has to. But statistically speaking why shouldn't it? It has the same chance of working as it does failing so why can't I assume the best. I don't expect it to work; I'm hoping that it will.

Yesterday my nurse calls and asks if by any chance I remember approximately the time frame I took my PIO shots back in 2016 when doing the ERA protocols. I asked what she's looking for and she said that since I've had the biopsy done, they've fine-tuned the test so that they can give an even more specific time window for transferring. I told her I can do one better: I logged all my shots. In the beginning it was to help me remember which side the shots were done on so that I can remember to alternate, but it also helped me keep track of what meds needed to be taken when and eventually it became part of every cycle, even a simple mock-transfer ERA. I was able to send her the exact time and date of the shot they were looking for. It's nice to know I can benefit from the new technology without repeating the test.

I think I'm also excited to try again. Our last transfer was in April 2017 which was nearly a year ago. A lot has happened since, it's not like we stopped treatment, but we haven't attempted a transfer. I feel like there's only so much we can do on our end and eventually nature and Hashem have to take over but we do need to do our part and initiate a transfer.

There are a few dark clouds hampering my mood. First is the news of a friend's sister-in-law who was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. In her post on a private fb group she said, "She waited so long to have a baby who's 15 months old; let her at least see him grow up a little." It broke my heart. It's literally my nightmare. It's not about me and today she needs prayers not my response of shock and terror. The other thing making me nervous is the flu. I'm not sure it's a rational fear. I feel like if I get the flu I'll be sick for a week and then get over it. I'm more concerned about the people I love and young people in my life, especially my niece who was born a premie over a year ago. It's hitting people hard and I'm worried. Yesterday a coworker was going around coughing into her hand and then using that hand to open doors and use the copy machine. I passive-aggressively went after her with a colorox wipe because I was too chicken to say something to her directly. Finally, the news. Russia investigation. FBI memo. Government shutdown. Disgraced gymnastics coach. Opioid epidemic. I'm done hearing about the leader of our country. I try to balance wanting to be informed and not wanting to be constantly bombarded by what's going on. There has also been some drama at work that isn't simmering down but it's become somewhat part of the background noise, even though it's enough to cause significant tension at my job.

So a lot of things to compartmentalize and balance. Happy but restrained. Worried within reason. Informed without getting consumed. And with that... we welcome in February.