Pre-transfer jitters

Today I had a full-blown meltdown. Tears, runny nose, puffy eyes, sobs... the works. It started out as a conversation about Pesach plans and what we're going to do this year. For the past few years, ever since we bought our house, we've had my in-laws stay with us for the first days of the holiday. It's a lot of work and expensive to host them, and without a master bathroom there's a lot of space-overlap with me feeling claustrophobic toward the end of the visit. This is part of the reason I'm constantly talking about remodeling and adding another bathroom. Not inviting them would make them sad. More importantly, not having them would make my husband sad. In the past the issues have been discussed in passing but I've always just sucked it up because I'm a people pleaser and I wanted to make my husband happy. This year it's very close to a transfer and I don't want to risk the work and effort that goes into preparing a major holiday and hosting sleepover guests.

During the conversation, we discussed plans for a good-transfer outcome and a failed-transfer outcome. As we discussed different options and solutions for issues that have come up in the past I was getting more and more upset. I realized that just the thought of contingency plans for a failed transfer were incredibly upsetting. I want this transfer to work so badly and I've nearly convinced myself that it might. But speaking about a possibility of "maybe we won't want to host because I'll be depressed" made the whole thing immediately real. There's a chance it won't work and... holy shit... I don't know if I can go through that again.

Adding to it all is that my sister is due the week after Pesach so everyone is doing their best to accommodate her family and anticipate her needs. I don't hold it against her that she's growing her family. I know I'll love her baby regardless of when it's born. Yet here's another factor seemingly pouring salt in an already incredibly sensitive wound. Sure, I'd like to be due any day with a baby and have someone else make Pesach for me. Instead I get to work hard and possibly grieve another miscarriage.

So maybe I'm upset about the Pesach options, but more than that I'm really scared about this transfer and what might happen. What might not happen. I'm so sick of failure. I'm so sick of feeling stuck. I'm so sick of being stuck in the support-system phase. When do I get to build my own family. Why are the two mutually exclusive that I can't do both, helping my sister while also being pregnant? And if my transfer fails will it be complete torture to help her for the first few weeks while they adjust to their family with a newborn? Just thinking about it all makes me sick to my stomach and brings on a fresh wave of tears.

I'm getting ahead of myself because I'm projecting. I'm using bad memories from previously failed cycles and assuming the worst. My mood is in the dumps and the gloomy, rainy weather isn't helping. But that doesn't mean I have to anticipate the worst. I'm crying over nothing. Nothing happened yet. Nothing may still happen. In fact, there's even a chance good things may happen. So I need to get out of my own head, get off the what-ifs hamster wheel, and work on praying that this time we'll have a different memory from a transfer.