Friends

I've talked before about the difficulty in making and keeping friends. My relationships with friends from childhood or school fizzled out as people went their separate ways over the years. When I did put in the effort, it didn't feel reciprocated. After a while of feeling like I'm the only one trying to keep things going I got burned out doing all the reaching out. I feel lucky to have the friends I do even if it is a small number.

I know making friends is hard for everyone. Harder still to find a couple you both get along with. A lot of people I know have friends because of their kids and the families get together all the time. If someone has the idea: "the kids are bored, let's grill and invite friends with kids so they can entertain each other!" then they invite people with other kids over. We're overlooked for invitations to birthday parties or shabbat meals. When there are limited seats around the table every seat needs to be maximized, and most times we just don't make the cut. To be fair I don't know if this is actually how people think - this is how I assume it works. One time I saw on facebook pictures from an organized walking group at the zoo with their strollers. No one though to include me because I didn't have a stroller. But they were just walking and it would have been nice to be invited. I gave them the benefit of the doubt in that maybe this was their version of trying to be "sensitive" but it hurt to not even be asked, just rubbing salt on an already painful wound.

I read this the other day. She writes: "I’m not sorry you have learned to be vulnerable with those whom you love. Sharing a private struggle like infertility can be terrifying, but vulnerability is not a weakness; it is heroic."

I don't know if I agree that it's heroic but it's definitely a vulnerability. I stopped hiding my treatment highs and lows from people because talking about it feels like I'm doing my part to remove the stigma. It's difficult to talk about and difficult to discuss loss. Once I do open up to someone I expect them to follow up and check in on me every so often. I don't know if that's an unrealistic expectation but I know that trying to to hold some people to that standard has left me disappointed in the past.

It seems people have their social circle and aren't interested in expanding or reaching out. You have what you have and that's it. No one wants to get to know new people; no one is interested or has patience to let someone new in. So unless you have an in -- like you're related or live next door -- you're SOL. I'm honestly curious how people make friends later in life.

My husband and I talked about this at length in the past. We've even analyzed sitcoms in comparison. For example, FRIENDS has six people. Ross and Monica are siblings. The rest came about from school (Chandler from college and Rachel from high school) and being roommates (Phoebe and Joey). They never make new friends! Even the people they've dated or worked with never stick around or make an appearance once that brief relationship ends. And this is in perfect TV-land where there isn't even such a thing as a bad hair day so you know it's the standard. Same with Seinfeld; same with HIMYM.

It's basically how life works: you choose a few people you like and invest all your time and energy into them. The problem is that when they start drifting away because life takes them on a different path, it's not so easy to replace them.