IVF 6: Day 3

We're cruising along. I feel like this cycle snuck up on me. I had to downplay it significantly to face it and suddenly we're in the middle of it. Maybe I'm just used to this by now that it's not as overwhelming.

I was trying to guess what day retrieval will be. In the past I've stimmed 12-13 days, with trigger most commonly on day 14. It's only 16 days total, from baseline to retrieval. In the grand scheme of things that's barely a blip on the radar. It's really the weeks before and after that extend it so much. For example, the two weeks after retrieval, feeling bloated and trying to get back to yourself physically, are really rough. That's also the time waiting for the hcg to leave your body and the return of your cycle. For us, it's also the time we wait for results of our PGD testing. The cycle technically lasts 16 days but in reality it's closer to a month if we know it was successful.

The beginning of August was when I started feeling like myself again, specifically after I got my first period post-miscarriage. It was like waking up from a deep fog that had taken over our entire existence for the previous two and a half months. It was part of the reason I needed to postpone the cycle. I just wasn't ready to start all over again.

In the interim I feel like I've grown a thicker skin. So what if we haven't had kids yet. It may happen. It may even not. We'll do our best and see where life leads us. The losses were sad; very sad. But it happens. It was a medical disappointment that happens in the world. It could still end happily for us. The sun still shines, the birds still sing, the world continues. I totally got this.

But then I started hormones and my rose-colored glasses shattered. The back to school videos and pictures completely unfazed me last week, but this week I get a pang in my gut whenever they show up on my newsfeed. I cleaned up our guest room and found some crayons left by my niece and got a lump in my throat. What really made me tear up is that I convinced myself that a family member is likely to announce a pregnancy soon. Their kid got to be the baby in the family for a while until a cousin was born.  All these babies are growing up together and it bothers me so much that my kids are missing out because they haven't been born yet.

Which means I'm back to the danger spot of having hope. Hoping for success. Hoping it will work. Hoping this is it. The more I hope the harder the disappointment. This is only day 3... I'm going to be on a lot more hormones before it's all said and done.

So while it's "only" 13 days of hormones, each day feels like an eternity. Each minute is consumed with thoughts churning in my mind, alternating between what-ifs and worst case scenarios. GoT is over but I have reruns to keep me occupied. Conan is in Israel and his fb live posts are hilarious. I scheduled an outing with friends and am planning to get a mani/pedi for the weekend. I also got the cleaning crew to come scrub my house. I'm doing whatever it takes to stay happy and sane during these weeks, especially since stress-eating is not an option.

Speaking of diet news, I'm down two lbs from baseline, extending my cushion to 4.6 lbs. Instead of complaining about how much it sucks to diet right now, every time I get a craving I add it to a list and we'll party after retrieval. Looking forward!