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Saturday, January 28, 2017

What's the right way?

I've been trying to get together with a friend for several weeks. We got close last year when we started sharing our TTC journey. We have similar hashkafah and our husbands get along well too so it was a good match. We started going to each other for meals and meeting to chat and walk around the neighborhood every so often. We went out for coffee in September right before she got a new job with very demanding hours. In October were the holidays and everyone was busy. I reached out a few times after that. In November I invited them over for a meal and they already had plans, but she said we should get together soon. In early December I tried again but they were unavailable. Throughout the time, whenever I posted something on facebook she'd post something like, "Miss you!! Hope we can get together soon!" but then never committed when I followed up about a specific date or time. I started suspecting but didn't want to assume...

When the doody hit the fan after our last loss and then my sister giving birth early, with us trying to help as much as possible shuttling back and forth to the nicu, my life got too overwhelming to think about much else. Friends I'm close to continued to check in with me but I didn't do much reaching out so anyone who didn't contact me didn't really hear from me.

Today I found out from a mutual friend that this person is 20 weeks along. I had suspected, but still. The other person only told me because she didn't want me to bump into her at the store or in a social function and be caught off guard in public, which I appreciate immensely. According to the mutual friend, she's not yet really showing so I'm not going to mention it.

I don't know what the right way to reveal is in this situation. I assume this friend who is 5 months pregnant after years of trying is incredibly superstitious. I also assumed she didn't want to hurt me. I just don't think avoiding me until I find out another way is the right way to find out about her happy news. It is happy news. I'm so happy for her. I'm sad that she didn't feel confident enough in our relationship to share this news herself.

It stung at first, but I'm not mad. At this point I'm curious for the future. One day soon, I hope, it may be me on the pregnant side. I want to avoid making anyone else feel how I felt when I found out about this friend. So what's the right way to go about it? How would you have appreciated finding out about someone close to you expecting?
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4 comments:

  1. Joahn FauchierJanuary 29, 2017 at 12:14 PM

    Tough one. I think texting the news when they feel like safely sharing is the right way. A text let's the recipient process on their own and decide the next move. It's all so complicated and rife with emotions. Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. jewishivfJanuary 29, 2017 at 5:31 PM

      Interesting. I'm not sure why people prefer to doing it in person. Maybe to see your reaction? I remember one other friend, many years ago before we were ttc, that waited until we could meet face to face to tell me her news. She was six months along by that point!

      Delete
  2. AnonymousFebruary 1, 2017 at 5:17 PM

    I think I agree with the first commenter - text or email. NOT a group text though, I had someone do that to me after my third loss and I was stuck reading all the "congratulations" messages and conversations. That was horrible and I was so pissed I never even responded to the original announcement. Anyway, while I was struggling through my losses I definitely preferred to be able to process it on my own without worrying about someone seeing or hearing me crying, unless we were very close. And then I could respond on my own time instead of requiring some sort of immediate response when your emotions are all over the place.
    I agree though, avoiding you isn't right - it might upset you, but it's not your fault or her fault that these are the circumstances. It stinks but avoidance makes it worse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. jewishivfFebruary 2, 2017 at 7:56 AM

      Oh gosh a group text sounds like a nightmare.

      I'm slowly coming to the realization that I may not have to be extra sensitive to anyone - everyone in my original group of support either has a baby or is expecting.

      Delete

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