Hello 2017

It's the beginning of a new year. I've set my expectations pretty low. I have a list of resolutions, but more on that in a minute. 

As my husband and I complained to each other how awful 2016 has been to us, he took a minute to talk about how it wasn't all bad. That's true. We take for granted the things that are going well and get tunnel vision about the things that aren't going our way. We are very lucky and we are grateful for everything we continue getting on a daily basis. 

I took some time to be depressed. I was off work for winter break and figured that I can be as sad as I want. I really let myself sink. I cried when I wanted to. I blasted music when I felt like it. I got bored and lonely at times. I tried new things when I felt like it. Most importantly I didn't feel the need to justify anything to anyone or explain why I was doing what I was doing. I figured it was necessary to let myself feel the feelings I need to and get them out of my system before going back to work and facing a new chapter of fertility treatment. 

I can't say it was marvelous. It was fine. But it helped a lot. I realized that the challenges we've faced have made me stronger. Stronger in that I am able to keep my emotions at bay around people now. Stronger in that I am able to take bad news. Stronger because I resolve to not give up just because the path is difficult. I've kind of built an armor around my heart for protection and it helped get me through some rough times. 

But a side effect of that is that I've lost patience. I notice it in my earlier posts on this blog as it happens gradually and it was only recently that I realized what it is. I used to have a people-pleasing attitude and I just don't care about that anymore. In my mind, the attitude is that if they don't like what I'm presenting then that's their problem. This has become an issue because with the lack of patience I'm quick to get agitated. It's not a quality I'm happy about. 

I noticed it specifically with family members and coworkers. I have no patience for chit chat anymore. I don't care about how people's weekend was. I don't care about how their kid is doing in college. I don't care about their holiday company stories. I don't care to pretend to listen, either. 

When I do actually take the time to listen to someone it's because I'm interested. They have my full attention and I'm engaged in the conversation. It irks me to no end if someone else interrupts and starts with their own tale about a related topic. 

Now that I've noticed it, I'm not sure how to fix it. I don't know if it needs fixing, per se, but I recognize that it can unpleasant to be around someone so broody. I also don't need that kind of negativity in my head because it's not just me getting agitated - it translates into an internal conflict about how I would like nothing more than to snap at someone or bite their head off, and not wanting that drama so I keep it bottled up and implode later. 

Which brings me to my resolutions for this coming year. I'm not setting up any resolution that is beyond my control, so they are doable and achievable. By writing them out I can not only refer back to it and check things off, but also when it's written down I'm held accountable. 

• Set up an appointment with a therapist. I know there's a stigma around therapy. I also don't want to be medicated unnecessarily. But I do feel that it's beneficial to reach out for help, not only for me but also for my husband. I think we can both benefit from an objective outside professional's opinion about what we're going through. First step is to find someone good and I'm not sure where to start.
• Lose weight. I don't have a number in mind. I just want to be healthy. Tomorrow is day 1 for Medifast. 
• Dress for the job I want. I dress fine, but I know I could step it up. I usually stick to simple and comfortable and I've  always been and felt confident until recently (failure of FET 4). I was never into accessories or brand names or wearing a full face of makeup unless it's for a special occasion. I'm not trying to change, I'm just thinking it might be beneficial to put a little more effort in. 
• Get a new living room set. For fun!
• Figure out car situation

I will add to and adjust the list as necessary. 

In pre-IVF news, I was able to hold off my period and today was my last pill. I expect CD1 will be Tuesday-ish, with day 3 blood on Thursday-ish. First possible baseline is 1/24 but it won't get scheduled until insurance is verified. I'm not worried about the timeline because I'm planning to use the time to lose weight.

Deep breath. Here we go.