Soundtrack

The hold music on both Freedom's and Ivigen compete for the worst music in the world. Freedom has the added "helpful" messages about how they have info on their website and we may be able to get faster information there: a bigger lie has never been told. It's hit or miss with Freedom - sometimes they have reps available and other times, probably during the busy hours, one can wait on hold for 20+ minutes before someone picks up. When I try to call at work, I have to go in my car if I don't want everyone in the office hearing what I'm ordering, and there's only so long I can wait on hold before needing to hang up and try again later.

This was my life the past week. I verified with insurance and after going back and forth it was determined we had hit our lifetime max on fertility meds; it's not a yearly max. Another great surprise on this path. The meds are so expensive and I had to figure something out to pay for them. Turns out I had in my fridge some unexpired Gonal-F pens from my April 2016/IVF 4 cycle, so that saved a pretty penny.

It was frustrating to go back and forth between everyone to get a straight answer. Freedom could only tell me that the claim was rejected. The meds insurance (separate from my medical insurance) could only tell me what isn't going through, not what my benefits are. The benefits office at the employer from which we have this insurance had no idea what I was asking and needed to call me back three times with questions for clarification, but then that person went on vacation without resolving this issue so I had to start over with someone else. It happened to be that the someone else was much better equipped to answer the question and I had it within hours. Too bad it wasn't what I was hoping to hear.

Baseline is 1 week from today and I'm nervous for this cycle. I haven't really had a "break" like we did in the past with previous cycles. I kept thinking about things and figuring out options. It took a really long time to be sad about the last loss and the what ifs occupied my mind for a while after it was no longer physically relevant. I'm still not totally over it, but I think I'm as good as I can be at this point. It's been a long time since last treatment and I feel like we missed January but there's nothing we can do about that. I've stopped trying to hurry things up.

The other day I was randomly thinking about sleep deprivation and its effects on the body. Every new parent goes through it but no one knows what it's like until they've done it. I think that's true regarding everything about parenting. When they're babies it's sleepless nights; then there's teething and ear infections; then there's preschool and all the snot that comes with that because kids swapping viruses; then on to elementary school where they struggle with homework and birthday party dramas; after that is middle school and all the hell that comes with puberty; when they're finally out on their own after high school and all the challenges that come along with that, you don't get to stop worrying about them. They're on your mind forever. Anyone can see the challenges, but I don't think you can realize the benefits until you're actually a parent. I don't think any parent can adequately explain the feeling of why it's all worth it.

At some points I struggle with the "is this all worth it." I don't have an answer, but I also can't justify not trying anymore. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I want to find out for myself what it's all about.