Thursday Thoughts

I'm feeling UGHGHGHGHGHGH. I don't know what I want.

We went straight from the holiday season into two events at work. Even though I work at a Jewish institution, nearly 90% of the employees are not religious. So while they know all about the holidays and everything they entail, they don't necessarily celebrate. For them, the past few weeks were vacation. Which means that they're ok with planning events on the day we come back.

For me, I'm exhausted. I'm getting over the holiday stress. I'm trying to catch up on work stuff I didn't do at home during the holiday season. I'm trying to catch up on laundry and dishes and getting the house back in order. I have a brain fog I can't shake and it's frustrating me.

We had the event last night and while I didn't mind working the event, I knew I had a million other things to take care of. I'm kind of over busy work. I don't want to deal with dumb minutia of someone else's ideas. I want to implement my own ideas and be excited about the tasks I'm doing because I came up with the path to do them.

It's times like this that I revisit the idea of getting a new job. I've talked about it before, here and again here. I want a new challenge, but I don't know what the challenge is. I want to have an interesting job that I find interesting and I can be proud of telling other people about it. If I think about it honestly, I don't really believe in the methods or agree with a lot of the organizations choices.

I like my direct supervisor who I work with on a regular basis. It's partially because of her that I've stayed as long as I have. My supervisor's boss, who is also technically my boss, is not someone I respect. I don't think I have any more to learn from that person. In fact, there are things I actually don't like that I want to make sure I don't learn, such as not respecting people's time.

I'm back to the age-old conundrum: do I leave and give up a lot of non-salary perks, like having a flexible work environment, many days off, short commute, etc. or do I try to find something more satisfying that has clearer potential for growth? It would help if I knew what it is that I wanted to do, or at least what my passion is. Ten years ago when I was in an entry level job I didn't think I'd be in an entry level job still trying to climb my way up a rung.

It could be I have a complex. I believe I am such a good employee that I should not only be getting promoted regularly, but that people should also be knocking down my door trying to recruit me to their company. I definitely think very highly of myself, rightly or otherwise. At the same time I am reminded of how grateful I am to be employed. On one hand, I have it so good that people are envious of my job and its perks. I am lucky and I recognize it. On the other hand, why should I settle? I could have it even better with a job I like, great perks, and an amazing salary!!! Right? Maybe?

I truly believe that I am able to accomplish anything I set my mind to. The challenge is getting started and figuring out what it is that I want to accomplish. What do I want? Do I want to stay in the same field? What are my priorities? Do I want to make lots of money? Do I want to work from home? Do I want to manage people? Do I want an anonymous cubicle job where everyone just leaves me alone?

I don't want power, but I want autonomy. I want repetitive work I can do while I zone out, but I also want exciting challenges where I get to be creative. I want to have responsibilities but only ones I like. I want a high paying salary. I want excellent health and medical benefits. I want an easy commute or the ability to work remotely. I want the opportunity for growth. I want to work as part of a team with a strong leader I can learn from. I want to manage competent, dedicated people. Am I asking for too much? Does this even exist?

When I was in college I knew exactly what I wanted.  I loved school and knew my exact path moving forward. I finished my degrees with honors.I finished my MBA with so many student loans but I didn't care because I knew I'd get a high-powered job and pay them off in no time. Somewhere along the way I detoured into the non-profit sector and kind of lost my ambition and confidence when we started treatment. 

The water-cooler rumors have it that there will be a major shift in my organization in the next 5 years. The details are vague but what I believe that means is that a lot of the higher ups will be retiring, opening a lot of positions in management. Is that enough to get me to stay? Am I patient enough to wait that long for a change? Will I be happy with whatever the change will be, assuming there's a lot more information that doesn't get trickled down via rumors?

Then there's the whole baby thing. Is it happening? Is it something to plan around? It's the proverbial elephant in the room. I started treatment thinking it will work eventually and so I should be patient because WHEN I get pregnant I'll want the work flexibility. But it's been a year. I've put my career on the back burner for a while now because of something that may happen. At this point I'm not sure it will happen so soon, if at all. I'm not sure I want to put things on hold for it anymore. If it happens, then I'll work it into my schedule, whatever that may be. I don't know that I want to pause life while I wait for my babies. In reality, I think I'm scared that I'll put 100% into having kids and if it doesn't work out, I'll not only end up childless but also in a career going nowhere because I waited too long to make a move.

I'm a believer in living life without regrets. I don't want to look back and say "should've" for anything. I know I will not regret putting everything I have into trying to have a family. I know I won't regret that. I want to make sure I'm making strategic moves for my career as well. I would definitely pursue an opportunity if it landed on my lap. The question is at what point do I go out and start pursuing a new challenge?

I think this transfer could answer a lot of these questions. The outcome may determine a few factors leading down a specific path. If I get pregnant, then the decision is made to stay put and keep the flexible schedule throughout pregnancy and until daycare starts. If it doesn't work, then I'll likely need to do more IVF rounds in the future, which means that I may as well start looking for another job with better health benefits that could cover future cycles. We'll see. Maybe there's secret option #3 I'm not thinking of that will reveal itself later on.