False alarm

I left the baseline appointment this morning upset and frustrated.

The financial counselor didn't tell me that we have a balance due from the biopsies, in addition to the fee for the FET. So I was surprised with an extra balance due of several hundred dollars that I wasn't expecting when I checked in for my appointment this morning. I tried to speak to the financial counselor but she was so unhelpful. She didn't email me in advance telling me it was due; she had no idea that insurance is supposed to be covering it; and she has a loud voice and was talking in the front hall near reception and the waiting room, so she was talking about my business in front of other people. The most frustrating part was that even though I know I'm right, if they don't financially clear me then I can't start the cycle. I paid the fee feeling my blood simmer, wishing this is the last time I ever have to deal with this person.

I later emailed to follow up about it and she said there was an insurance submission error, so they will be resubmitting it to insurance. I asked if I will get a refund once it's all straightened out and she tried to tell me that I would not since I didn't pay it. What is wrong with you, lady?? Luckily I had the receipt and I forwarded it. Now I have to keep an eye out on my account. Ugh.

After the financial thing, I got weighed and things continued to go downhill. My clinic has strict BMI rules. I am 0.1 points over their requirements as a max. I could say it was because of the fast yesterday and that I'm retaining fluid from eating the entire day's worth of calories after 8 pm. I could say it's all the water I drank in order to make sure they're able to do bloodwork. I could also say that it's partially because I've been on back-to-back cycles and my body is so bloated from meds. I could excuse it away but I know they're just excuses. I feel frustrated for knowing this might be an issue and not being more proactive to prevent it. I feel disappointed at myself for not taking care of something that is technically within my control.

To add to today's drama, my cell phone is not accepting voicemails and I don't want to miss important info from the clinic. In 2011 I signed up for Google Voice. I have never used my phone's voicemail app since then and have never had a problem. A few weeks ago my phone automatically switched to my carrier's voicemail app. Feeling like a dinosaur, I couldn't figure out how to get it back to the Google Voice app. I keep meaning to look into it but haven't had the time. Today I realize I'm not getting any voicemails at all and realize it's because my voicemail box is full.  UGGGGHHH.  I figured out how to delete voicemails in order to get new ones, but I'm still trying to figure out why I'm not linked to Google Voice. One more thing to deal with.

There is only one weeknight before sukkot which starts Sunday night. We're hosting my husband's family for first days. I'm so not in the mood, especially since I'm apparently on a strict lettuce diet now. We still have so much to do, and since the basement flooded last week, we still have to organize and rearrange everything.

On top of everything, today is the 1 year mark since our first negative beta. It was the first major blow and disappointment of our treatment ordeal. The first time our dreams came crashing down. The first time we dealt with failure. It was the first of several disappointing days in the past year, but it was the very first one that lifted the rose-colored glasses I was wearing and made me realize that this might not be as clear cut as I originally thought. It was truly a devastating day. Today is proving to be only slightly better

Now we're so close. So close. We're three weeks away from a transfer, and yet so far. I spoke to my nurse about the BMI. It needs to come down before the do a transfer, there is no question. At first I thought there may be a chance they'll let me start and then reweigh me before the actual transfer date. But my doctor won't even start the protocol until I'm 0.1 points below what I am now.  It's 0.1! That's basically a large BM.  I'm so overwhelmed with disappointment and at the same time slightly relieved that it's something technically within my control.

My husband, in his infinite sweetness, is going to diet with me. He also said if we have to wait a cycle then it's not the end of the world. In my mind, it is!!!  How could I let this happen?! It's very sweet that he made sure I knew he doesn't blame me. Even though I blame myself.

In the meantime, we're delaying everything by a week. I will go back next Thursday for a new weight check and baseline.