Circle of friends

In an earlier post I started talking about the importance of a strong support system. Sometimes I struggle with who I want to be surrounded by. I've categorized three groups of people in my support network: Cheerleaders, Clueless, and Knowers.

The Cheerleaders are the small group of family and select friends who know we are going through fertility treatment. They listen to our struggle and offer comfort and encouragement. While they share our sadness at the disappointments and our hopes for the future, they aren't fully aware of exactly what happens with each cycle. They mean well when making suggestions which are sometimes unrealistic or irrelevant. They are a necessary backbone of the support network.

The Clueless are people who have no idea we are going through fertility treatment. As far as they know we just decided not to have kids. These are the random acquaintances, neighbors, shul goers, coworkers, etc. While fertility treatment is all-encompassing, sometimes it's nice to remember your life includes more than that so occasionally it's refreshing to hang out around them and be just normal adults. Often, some thoughtless remark come up such as, "You're so lucky you don't have to deal with homework or bedtime, grr what a nightmare!" but considering they don't know it can't really be held against them.

Then there are the Knowers.  These are the people who know the daily struggle of fertility treatment. They are the ones who understand the heart-crushing feeling of a negative beta, they know the disappointment of a failed cycle. They get it because they've been through it. Our current support circle doesn't include anyone like that in real life, only the connections I've made online. I hesitate to reach out to anyone because of how sensitive this is. I'm certainly not going to go up to someone in the clinic waiting room and ask if they want to be fertility besties, so for now I'm finding comfort in
the vast online group of people who share their stories.  For the record, anyone who wishes to connect, whether fertility related or otherwise, is free to email me at jewishivf@gmail.com.

So back to my struggle about who to be around... Sometimes I feel like people around me can be so insensitive.  They complain about the hard transition it took from one baby to two. They say how tired they are from staying up with a barfing kid. They share their struggle to pay the tuition bills. I understand that these are all real struggles for them. I get that they have their own issues. But sometimes I wish they didn't complain so much about their kids who came seemingly so easily. The friend who complains about her accidental third pregnancy when her other two are still under 5 years old is facing a real challenge - that's a lot of babies!  But it's a challenge millions of infertile women would give anything to face.

Then I consider spending time with members of the Cheerleaders group and sometimes it helps that they know but other times I just want to be regular. I don't want to feel pitied. I don't want to be excluded from things out of an abundance of sensitivity. I had really close friends that I didn't see often wait until second or third trimesters to tell me they're expecting, and it was more hurtful that they waited -- I hated being the last to know. I know the Cheerleaders mean well but sometimes it's exhausting being around them too.

I consider what it would be like to hang out with Knowers. It would be so easy to speak the lingo and not have to explain the terminology like what monitoring means or that the ultrasounds they do aren't on your belly. Instead of a horrified look, Knowers would nod knowingly at the ridiculous size of the PIO needles. But what happens if I find a Knower bestie and then either she or I get pregnant and leaves the other behind? What if we both get pregnant and one miscarries? How could a relationship sustain that? It's bad enough when it happens to you; it's almost as bad watching a friend go through it also and the heartache seems so overwhelming.

It's hard to explain to people how I want them to act when I myself don't have the answer. Yes, I want you to be sensitive but also don't leave me out. I want you to feel comfortable talking about what regular friends talk about but also don't mention anything that has to do with 98% of your life. People who have gone through fertility treatment know the triggers and know when to be sensitive but it's unrealistic to expect that same level of treatment from the general public.

We have a hard time letting people in as it is and this isolates us even more. It feels safer to just be alone and carefully protect an already sore heart.