This morning was one of those crazy ones where you feel like you're being torn in several different directions and want to be everywhere but, alas.... physics.
The baby was hungry. The toddler woke up grumpy. The husband had done the last feeding at 5 am so wasn't quite functional yet. I was tired last night so I left the kitchen after dinner and dishes and trash needed to be addressed before I could even think of breakfast and packing lunch. At one point I was changing out the trash bag while trying to convince the toddler to go draw something. His response was a sobbing, "I want to color with you" and I realized that, at this moment, that was the priority. He needed love and attention and no amount of piled up dishes was going to make him understand that I was busy. He's not going to care or remember the state of the kitchen but he will remember the feeling of coming to me and having a need met. So we sat together on the floor and before breakfast or coffee, while the kitchen was a disaster, while the baby sucked on a pacifier, we attempted to draw a horse. Within seconds he had forgotten his grumpy mood and was smiling and engaged. Shortly after a neighbor started mowing their lawn (a true gift from above at just the right time) and the toddler settled at the window with breakfast to watch the grass getting cut so I took the opportunity to nurse the baby and get myself dressed.
It's a juggle. Some of it is the mental juggle in my mind about priorities. Eventually the dishes and trash and even laundry got done, it was just in a different order than I had planned. That's ok. I'm glad that it ended up being a calm morning and a happy toddler was sent off to camp with breakfast in his belly and a packed lunch.
I found a daycare for the baby and, while tearing up, I paid the deposit. On one hand I'm relieved I finally found a place but on the other hand I don't want to leave him. I'm not ready for maternity leave to end. I'm so sad about having to send him to daycare. While I do somewhat have the desire to be around adults again, I'm imagining sitting in a meeting with my boobs engorged missing my baby while they discuss some boring details about whatever subject. I'm happy and sad.
I am glad you found care. And I am glad you made and wrote the story of the morning. That memory written will remind you in tie to come. It isn't easy. There ought to be a different answer. But today, this is what is here. Best wishes.
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