Blue

I've been feeling blue.

Part of it has been due to a rough summer. Constant visits to the doctor for various reasons. Calls from the camp nurse during the day to the point where I can't relax my mind enough to nap during the day regardless of how little sleep I got during the previous night. Feeling trapped indoors due to unbearable heat or  torrential rain or recovering from yet something else. Envy at others' vacation photos at the beach and remote locations. It hasn't been all bad, and it's not that I'm not grateful for the good parts. This is only filtering out one piece of it that has contributed to my mood. I need to remember the converse when scrolling through other people's filtered reality skewed to the positive. 

Part of it is the end of maternity leave and having to transition my baby to daycare where I won't get to see him and hold him all day. It's too soon. I recognize my privilege at having had the first 3 mos together but it's still too soon to try to get into a routine with such a young baby. My first choice didn't happen. My second choice wasn't available. So we're going with plan C and while I'm grateful we have childcare, I'm frustrated at the situation. I'm sure the hormone fluctuations aren't helping.

Part of it is that I don't recognize myself. I don't remember this after my first pregnancy. Even though I didn't retain any extra weight everything is shifted and different. I'm always tired and stiff. My hair has visible streaks of silver. There are lines around my face that don't fade or bounce back as quickly like they used to. There's nothing I can do about aging but I could work on rebuilding muscle tone and getting enough sleep, for starters.

Part of it is feeling disconnected. I have a friend or two I can go out to lunch with. I have a friend I text often as a sounding board to talk out life things. I have one or two mom friends that I can schedule playdates for the toddler. But I don't have a group of friends to invite to a Sunday BBQ or rent a beach house together. Family friends where everyone gets along and can hang out together or independently. TV friendships make it seem so available but how common are those in real life? Do people really stay best friends with their elementary school friends? College friends? Old work mates? Neighbors? And if I haven't forged those connections yet, by my late 30s, am I doomed to a life of passing acquaintances? When everyone broke off into their pandemic pods that's when I started feeling something missing.  Have we just not met yet? Did we meet and I was too young and judgmental to give the relationship a chance? Where are my ride-or-die friends? Where do I start? I need a millennial how-to step by step guide, please and thank you. I would categorize myself as a social introvert or an extrovert wannabe, if those are a thing.

Sometimes when I'm feeling this way I think I need to take big steps to shake things up. Like move to another neighborhood, or change jobs, or get bangs. But I don't know what I want so I don't know what steps to take to get there. I'm too tired to think.