FET 8: CD 9

Started the probiotics on Saturday night. It's a 6 day dose so it will be done by the next monitoring appointment.

I took our boy to see some farm animals. Not a lot of people but others with toddlers were there - great outdoor pandemic-friendly activity. I left the stroller in the car to give him a chance to run around and burn some energy. There was a stretch of area between the chickens and the horses covered in gravel and as interesting as the animals were, it's nothing compared to rocks. I let him play with rocks up until he started aiming to taste them - some ick factor but mainly choking hazard. So the next stretch of rocks I carried him. I know I'm carrying a little extra weight and it's even though it's only 8 lbs more than my pre-pregnancy weight, I know it's distributed differently. I was also wearing a fanny pack to be able to have my hands free for such things as catching a rock before it goes down the hatch... A grandmother chasing her own toddler in the rock area saw me as I carried my son and asked if I'm also expecting. I laughed it off and said no. I think she meant it as it's so hot and you're carrying a big boy and if you're also expecting, hats off to you. It didn't bother me immediately but as I thought more about it (my first mistake) it got to me. Later it got me thinking about what I would have said if it was post transfer and I was pupo. Or if it was a confirmed pregnancy but not far enough to be sharing. Lie? Does that jinx it?

We are in the hurry-up-and-wait part of the cycle. As we get closer I feel myself getting more anxious. Part of me is preparing for disappointment because the transfer could fail. Thankfully things are busy and this isn't the only thing on my mind so I'm not grinding all the possible scenarios. I'm on fewer medications this time (no thyroid meds, no blood pressure meds) and so I have to remind myself to take the ones I am on (baby aspirin, prenatal) because it's just not on my mind as much.

I think deep down I was expecting for something to delay this transfer. First it was finances, then it was the probiotics. I could tell them I want to wait to try to lose weight; but I had over a year to lose weight - if it was going to happen it would have. I'm just scared. On one hand I absolutely loved being pregnant. I felt my best physically during that time, even if I was an anxious mess most of it. I absolutely want more children and I am thrilled to have the chance to try again. On the other hand, I'm worried about becoming that anxious mess again. I'm scared of the what-if's, knowing that each pregnancy is its own adventure and anything could happen. I don't know what's going to happen with this pandemic or how it will play out - how do I know that my vaccinations are even still effective without testing for antibodies regularly? Going in for doctors appointments or even potential hospitalization for whatever reasons... what will happen with my family? How can I leave my boy, even if it's for a short hospital visit to have a baby?

I think these are normal thoughts people have and I know I'm not the first one to come up with them. I also know that I don't want the fear of the unknown to get in the way of the good parts of life. We move forward, have faith, and hope for the best. Also eff that lady.