Uneasy

Usually after Tisha B'Av I feel a sense of relief and like a weight being lifted along with the mourning restrictions. This year I didn't feel that relief and for a few days after there was a lingering uneasiness. So what's contributing? 

1. Instagram is a big part of it. Vacations everywhere. It seems like everyone in my newsfeed, and life orbit in general, has gotten the memo that the pandemic is over and they are traveling. Beaches, toes in the sand, speed boats, beautiful exotic locations, swimming with dolphins, spa treatments, indoor dining (!), concerts, and more. 

I know that I can hop on a plane and have just as much of a vacation. If we wanted to spend the money and make it work, we can. But I feel like it's still too pandemic-y to do that. Am I the only one who's hearing about the variants and spike in cases? Why does no one else seem to care? Is everyone else vacationing and making memories on account of the rest of us paying for it later with new fall restrictions? 

2. Upcoming FET. I'm anxious. I don't feel physically ready. I would have liked to be where I was last transfer, weight-wise. I'm a few pounds away and maybe if I went on a restrictive diet I'd get there in time, but I'm just not in the mindset. I nearly bought a $2,000 exercise bike that seems to be all the rage these days but I caught myself before going through with it. I don't need another laundry rack. Beside that, I'm worried about getting back on the emotional and mental roller coaster. 

3. Work. Last year they cut everyone's salary due to the pandemic. This year, instead of a raise, I got back what was cut. On one hand I'm so grateful to be employed, and I'm grateful to get back what was cut. On the other hand, it feels like I worked so hard for the raise in the first place and I'm now two years behind in advancing my income. I'm conflicted between being grateful for what I have and being bitter for what was lost. 

I've tried to articulate my frustration about this but people in my life see it as very black and white: if you don't like your job just leave. If you don't leave, stop complaining. I know those are options, but it's not that clear cut. I love parts of my job and there is an aspect of "golden handcuffs" with some of the non-salary perks. There is also a major shift coming in the next year as well as in the five-year forecast. With my student loan forgiveness program also on the line, there is a lot more to consider than just immediate salary concerns. It's complicated. Do I risk the stability of a job around the same time I'm trying to get pregnant again?

So all this is weighing on my mind. 

For over 10 years we were married and didn't have children. As much as we wanted to visit places we never felt that we had the vacation time or money. We were also in various stages of treatment and zika hit right in the middle of all of it. I want to change our scenery (responsibly) but it always feels like there's something holding us back. I don't regret prioritizing fertility treatment. Maybe when we're done this TTC chapter we may have more freedom but a lot more expenses. I'm looking forward to family vacations and traveling to new places. In a few years my PSLF won't be a consideration anymore because hopefully it will be forgiven, but that feels like I'm putting my life on hold for those years. Am I? Should I? Or should I try to squeeze in bits and pieces of what I want to do now? Tomorrow isn't a given and who knows what the world will look like. If I wait for everything to be perfect and do things with minimal risk, I might spend my life waiting.