I wasn't sure I was going to go until the last minute. While I really wanted to find support and people who would understand what I'm going through, it was also really difficult to admit my position and put myself in a group I don't want to be part of. I was anxious that whatever was going to happen, I would just sit and cry among strangers the whole time. I had little expectations but I also knew I couldn't complain about lack of community support if I didn't take that first step to show up.
There were four speakers: a LCSW talking about the Torah perspective of loss; a therapist who shared some tools for mental healing; a personal story from someone who experienced loss; and a message from the director of a pregnancy loss support non-profit.
There were a few overall messages:
- it's not your fault - nothing you did caused the miscarriage/loss;
- no person should go through loss alone - there are resources for each person and the couple;
- if you want us, we are here
The event took place in someone's home and ran longer than expected. There were about 60 people who showed up, which is about 40 more than the organizers expected and planned for but were thrilled at the turnout. While there was crying in the room, it wasn't mine. At the end of the evening the director of the non-profit mentioned that she had a voice recording of the evening for the people who said to her that they wanted to come but just couldn't -- I understood them.
As expected, I didn't walk away inspired or feeling more supported but I'm glad I went. I don't know how to fix the taboo that surrounds infertility and loss but I think the first step is showing up. I'm not shouting my pain from the rooftops but I'm also not interested in hiding it - I have nothing to be ashamed of. Loss and grief makes people uncomfortable, but clearly there's a desire by people to talk and share.
I think it's awesome that you went to this! I was thinking of joining an infertility support therapy group that I heard about during my last TWW. But then I thought, oh what if I get pregnant and then I don't belong in the group? Or, if it doesn't work out, I'm still doing IVF "by choice," so what if I don't belong? I do wish I had joined that group (it's closed now). I get that it's hard to "out" yourself, but what if you miss out on some opportunities to connect with people who actually get it? Are there more opportunities for you to attend this group?
ReplyDeleteIf another group opens or opportunity comes up you should take it. At my group there were visibly pregnant women -- clearly loss (and anxiety about it) doesn't just disappear as soon as people get pregnant. It was surprising to see but when I think about it I understand that it makes so much sense.
DeleteThe group I was part of was a pilot program so while I think they are planning to expand but it's still in the early stages.