Still nothing

The cells were sent out last week and we know to expect "10 business days" which is taking what feels like forever. We've done everything else that expired like infectious bloodwork and the HSG. So now we're just waiting for the hysteroscopy.  I was given a choice whether to start the transfer cycle right after the hysteroscopy or to wait a cycle, assuming they don't find anything and there's no recovery time. If we don't wait a cycle, then first beta will be on my birthday. I feel like it's selfish to not want to risk ruining the day but on the other hand I really don't want to delay. Maybe I can ask them to do the beta the day before. Just thinking about the anxiety of waiting for beta results is making my gut clench in anxiety.

I'm debating whether to chronicle the next FET. I've told my husband I don't want to tell anyone, family included, the next time we transfer. I'm really tired of some people knowing the ins and outs of my uterus, especially when it fails they do nothing comforting or even acknowledge the loss. This is something that non-infertility people get to keep just for themselves, why can't I? So in fairness I would do the same and not share with anyone either. I would be more comfortable sharing news if we hear a heartbeat, even though I feel like at that point I'll be terrified and overwhelmed and want to keep the secret as long as possible. I think this is just another way to try to gain control in a situation where we have none, similar to my POAS strike. 

I scrolled fb today and saw a post from an online friend who posted in our infertility support group in response to someone else having anxiety about being 12 weeks preg and spotting. My friend responded that she's also in the same situation and is advocating for as many ultrasounds as possible to try to alleviate stress. I sent a private message to my friend saying I was so excited to read her news. I know what she went through to get to this point and I was genuinely so happy to see her news. Here's part of the convo:

!!! Just saw your news, so happy for you
Omg I know I wanted to tell you first and then I forgot
I suck im sorry
It's ok
How are you feeling
Ugh I still feel terrible
V excited for you
Please forgive me
I'm a little overwhelmed

It made me uncomfortable that she kept apologizing. I hadn't thought about it that way at all until she made it into a big deal. I was reading a thread that was marked as sensitive so I was already well-braced and totally fine seeing the news. Even though it's appreciated, I never expect a courtesy heads up. And even though I knew they were cycling in October I never asked how it went because I assumed if she wanted to share results, good or bad, she would. Especially since I know I would be weird about people asking me if I wasn't ready to share.

Thinking about it more, I realized my list of courtesy heads up would be incredibly short if I ever get to be the one sharing that special news. It gets shorter every year. It makes me sad whenever I remember that it seems to have worked for everyone else but us. It also makes me sad that I feel people "leave" me when they're no longer on this side of fertility treatment. They abandon blogs, they no longer check in, they can't seem to have a conversation that isn't about their expecting status or new bundle of joy. I don't hold anything against them; I just wish I didn't feel so left behind. Even when I'm in a positive head space and I feel I'm doing just fine and starting to feel hope again, I get into this type of unexpected awkward exchange that brings all the reminders crashing back.

Remembering the blood draws and ultrasounds and the anxiety and the draining efforts of a failed transfer makes me hesitate about even starting to try. I'm worried and maybe a tad scarred from our past failures. If I though an extra cycle to get mentally prepared and braced for this type of mindgame would help, I'd use that in consideration whether or not to delay. But this battle fatigue doesn't seem to be affected by time; in fact the more I think about it the less I want to get started. So when it's time to start, I'll have to stop thinking.