Hello 2018

Winter break is over and we're back to work tomorrow. I spent part of my break watching lots of TV. I'm a fan of Survivor and over break I caught up on a few older seasons. One of them was Survivor Palau which aired in 2005. Spoilers ahead, in case you're saving it for watching later. 

In that season, one tribe gets completely decimated by the other. So much so that one tribe is left with one member while the other tribe had 9 people. What struck me about the season was that no matter how many times the losing tribe lost, they still had hope for the next challenge. At first it was lack of team cohesiveness and underestimating the other tribe, but even when they did everything right luck was just not on their side. As an objective observer outside the game watching the cleanly edited version, it was obvious there was no chance in hell they were going to get a comeback. When they were down to three members, one of them, who was a religious muslim, commented that there was a reason god kept him in the game this long and maybe there was a change of tide up ahead. He was voted off next. It was depressing to watch them not only get defeated but to continuously keep hoping for a chance. 

I very much connected with the losing tribe. It sounded a lot like our journey to date. No matter what we do we can't seem to catch a break. And no matter what happens we're still hopeful for a different outcome every treatment. After watching that season I was so depressed. I was already down because I was feeling left out of some things. I was down and just feeling sad and sorry for myself. 

I spent New Year's Eve crying in the shower while getting ready to go out to a few parties. I thought of everything we've been through so far and I'm just over it all. I'm so sick of this phase. I'm so over the failures. I'm so done with extra procedures poking and prodding of my uterus just to try to get some answers for why we can't do something that everyone else seems to have been able to master so easily and naturally. I don't want any more blood tests or procedures or medications or shots. If it felt like we were working toward something then it would be worth it, but there's no guarantee that just because we've been doing this for years we'll be successful. What if it wasn't meant to be? What if I was looking at it as an objective outsider I'd see the possible truth that there's no way it's going to happen for us? What if I need to cut our losses and just enjoy my life while accepting that this was just not in the cards for us? 

I know I'm not yet in a place where I'm ready to give up. I'm still in the hopeful-or-bust stage. But it scares me to think that we might have done all this for nothing. That maybe I will be ready to quit soon. Or that my husband will be done before me and we'll have to make a difficult decision. Our second opinion doctor said that the main reason people aren't successful is because they quit. I can't say I blame a single one of them for that decision. What if we're not successful even once we've exhausted all of our resources and stamina? 

I thought about all the things we're putting on hold while waiting for this stage to be over: home renovations, my career, our life. There in the shower on NYE I decided that 2018 was going to be the year we weren't going to do that anymore. 

While I'm not ready to give up on building a family, I am ready to stop giving up everything else. Whatever is in store for us will happen either way. Instead of resolutions for this year I want to make a wishlist. In the spirit of dreaming big, I present my wishlist for 2018:

• Take a big trip. It's time for new experiences, new adventures, and a change of scenery.
• Refinance and take out a loan for home renovations. For starters, bathroom situation needs a solution. I want to renovate the current one and/or add another one. I don't think we can afford an addition but a girl can dream. We also need to update the floors and kitchen counters. If we're really ambitious, adding some rooms in the basement. 
• Career shift. Either take on more responsibilities for a title change and pay increase or start looking somewhere new. I'm done putting my career on hold "just in case" I get pregnant. 
• Focus on relationships. I've prioritized my marriage and my feelings for the past few years, rightly so. Maybe it's time to add to that and expand my horizons by letting more people in like friends and extended family. I can't complain that people aren't there for me when I'm not a great friend to them. Regardless of how good my excuse is for being absent, I still need to do my share if I want the same in return.
• Have a baby. I know this one is completely beyond my control. But maybe having this on a list will help me remember that it is the goal for all those shots and pills and medications and ultrasounds and procedures.
• Eat healthier. Aside from continuing the weight loss attempts, I want to make vegetables more of a highlight in our menus. Even as I write this I groan internally about all the work that this entails, but I hope to make changes in small increments. If I do that there's more of a chance the changes will happen and stick long term.  
• Focus on kindness. There are many days that I know I could use a kind word or a kind gesture because something shitty happened or we got bad news or because infertility sucks. A kind gesture by a friend or stranger goes so far to help me and lift my mood, giving me the strength to keep going. Knowing what a difference it makes for me, I want to help other people feel the same. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but thinking about it and implementing it into every day life with intention can only help make it a better world. 

Every single day is a gift and too often we take it for granted. Each year brought its own challenges and blessings. The year 2015 was rough. I was hopeful 2016 would be different and it wasn't. I was hoping 2017 would be better but it wasn't. We're starting a new year and I'm still hopeful but I can't say I'm not worried and scared for what's in store. I'm less optimistic and more cynical but I'm so grateful for the blessings and I don't want to take them for granted any more just because I get lost in the tunnel vision for what we don't have. I love my life and the people in it. I'm terrified of something happening to take any or part of it away because I complain about one aspect of it that isn't going the way I want. I understand that nothing is guaranteed and my main resolution is to be grateful every day for whatever blessings I have been given.  

The plot line for 2018 has yet to be written... I can only hope that if I get a chance to write the NYE post on 12/31 I'll be able to look back and smile more than cry.