Family leave

I'm baffled at what constitutes family leave in the united states. In every fb group I'm in, whether it's a finance group or a women's group or a mom group, there are people from all over the world who just can't understand why USA doesn't have any sort of established maternal or paternal leave after the birth or adoption of a child. 

Some countries give 12-18 months paid leave even if you're not employed at the time of birth; some countries go up to three years; some countries even give a stipend to parents for every child until their 18th birthday. In the US we get to not get fired while we go unpaid for up to 12 weeks. Not only does health insurance suck so the bills skyrocket around the labor and delivery, plus there's no such thing as reliable and affordable daycare, on top of that we also need to get by without an income while recovering from a major medical procedure on no sleep. 

With my son born in 2019, at 11 weeks old we were just getting into a rhythm with breastfeeding. He was definitely not sleeping through the night. I cried when I dropped him off at daycare the first day. When I went back to work I was not a productive employee. I had accrued the maximum amount of days off I could take and we couldn't afford for me to stay home past 11 weeks. I was pumping at least once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and rushing at lunch to visit my baby at daycare to kiss and feed him. Even at my most efficient it was still taking 30-40 minutes for each session. I would come home and it would be a mad dash to unpack the bags, clean off the pumping equipment, care for an infant and try to get anything around the house done. As horrible as those early days of the pandemic were, one silver lining was the relief of not to have to deal with pumping anymore while working full time out of the house. Breastfeeding lasted to 15 months mainly because we were home together - I don't know how long I could have sustained the pumping at work situation. 

So how do I want to do things differently this time around? If I had it approved, here's what I would prefer. First, I would go back to the office only part time. Very part time to start and gradually increase hours as the baby grows and sleeps through the night. I would prefer to get a nanny at home for the first few months then, around November or December, reevaluate whether I want to look into daycare and possibly start group care in January for more full time days in the office. 

My employer is not happy about remote work. It's a comfortable situation and I'm not ready to leave just yet but this might be the push I need to make a change. When I propose this scenario, I want to be ready to walk away. If they don't agree to letting me come back part time, and part time at home, then I will look for something fully remote. I'm not interested in making a career move right now but I'm not at all interested in the mayhem that was daycare at 11 weeks with my oldest. 

It took me years to accrue the 11 weeks I took off last maternity leave; I haven't had as much time to accrue that this time around. I've already started saving up for the days I'll be out but it's unlikely that they will pay my full salary for the duration of my full 12 weeks. I would hate to leave, and I would hate to have to spend my mat leave interviewing and applying for jobs, but I prefer to be home instead of sending to daycare those first few months. If they can't work with me, I might need to be ready to walk away. I'm a valuable employee who's been there for over ten years but I know everyone is replaceable and I don't know if they have any incentive to bend the rules for me.

Emotional

At my appointment today they scheduled my c-section. Because it's scheduled, you can submit preferences but in general you're basically just assigned a slot, so I prioritized requesting my own doctor. When they called me to confirm the time, the lady on the other line was excited, saying in a sing-songy voice, "I know when your baby's birthday is!" and I was not in the mood for it. I was feeling very emotional. 

The date isn't what I had in mind. For some reason I thought I'd be able to just pick a time and date on the calendar. I don't know what I was thinking because that's not at all how hospitals work. I might dislike that it's an odd day? I don't know. I also got caught off-guard that we have to be there so early, like at 5 am. Apparently that's because scheduled c-sections get bumped if there's a labor or emergency c-section, so they schedule them right at the start of the doctor's shift to cushion the time. I don't necessarily care about the time or the wait or the bump, but in my mind I thought I'd have time to drop my son off at school before heading to the hospital. Needing to be at the hospital at 5 am means he needs to start his night elsewhere, but more than that, it means that he will wake up and we won't be there. 

It's true that all of our worlds are about to be turned upside down. The difference is that we as adults understand that something big is coming and we can mentally prepare. At two years old, our son is just a baby himself and has no idea what's ahead. It's not just that he's young; he grew up in a pandemic and to say his world is narrow would be a huge understatement. He's never been on a bus or a train or in a restaurant or library. I hate the idea of leaving him and the thought that he might feel abandoned or confused makes me ugly cry. Pandemic restrictions mean he's not even allowed to visit at the hospital and when I think about how much I'll miss him I can't stop crying. It's least about me, but if this is how I feel, I can only imagine how he will feel.

I asked a bunch of questions about the date and she humored me, answering them, but there was really no flexibility. I could change the date but then it wouldn't be my doctor. I could change to the following week but my doctor's shift is past my due date and they don't want me to go past that. The week prior is too early for a scheduled cs. There's no flexibility with the time, but I think I'll ask about that at my next appt. 

I know it's incredibly privileged to be disappointed by a date. I'm lucky I can try to plan ahead. There's a reason why traditionally the Jewish response to a pregnancy announcement is "B'Shaa Tova" instead of Mazel Tov. B'Shaa tova is Hebrew and literally means "in a good hour," or in other words, all in good time. Whenever this happens, that's the right time that it's supposed to happen. It's also a way to recognize that something good is on its way but not necessarily here yet, reminding us not to take for granted healthy, full-term pregnancies. I understand all this and I believe that whatever is supposed to happen will happen when it's supposed to. 

The other piece of it keeps making me cry. Depending on how recovery goes, best case scenario is that we're released within a day or two. I tear up at the thought of being apart and I'm having a hard time with it. I know he'll be in good hands with whoever we leave him with, and that he will get over it and be ok with minimal long-term effects, if any. For likely not the last time, I feel guilt that one baby's needs are taking priority over another's. 

Twos-day: 2.22.22

I love numbers and I can't let this day go by without a shout out. 2/22/22 on a Tuesday! It's fabulous.

Some people wore a tutu to work. I'm sure millions of people got married today. Great day to schedule a c-section. Charmin took it a little too literally about #2 and made a whole poop float with the charmin bears. Check out their instagram if you enjoy pun humor. 

I'm glad to see things that aren't virus or war or economy related.

Second trimester thoughts

I'm nearing the tail end of the second trimester. About two weeks ago I started getting comments that I "popped" - in other words what I've been thinking about feeling huge is confirmed by everyone around me. Last pregnancy I was in my regular clothes well into my third trimester, whereas this time I really can't wear anything not maternity anymore. The maternity clothes I do have are all for late August and it's still very cold and windy here so I had to buy some new stuff. I feel ok, just heavy and uncomfortable. I try to get up and walk often during the day because I get stiff if I'm in one position too long. 

It's a holiday weekend and it seems like everyone is traveling. It makes it feel like spring is just around the corner although I do admit there's some jealousy. We've never been good at prioritizing travel even if it's something we enjoy. There was also rarely spare money for a trip and we'd save for a while before each one. It's not that I don't want to spend the money. It's that there is a finite number of dollars and I try to consider the ROI.  For example, a vacation will last a few days, but a backyard upgrade will serve us for several seasons. I worked too hard to dig out of debt and while I'm very much pro saving money to spend it on things that bring you joy, I doubt any vacation we take right now will be very satisfying considering all the limitations. I have a goal of a big trip and I'm saving up for that so at least it's something to look forward to. In the meantime, muting those instagram stories helps. 

I'm excited about our own version of adventures coming up. I pray everything goes smoothly and everyone comes home safe. It's different this time around because I have some idea of what to expect. It's also different this time because I'll have more to juggle. There are a few big things coming up before I can really lean in to the brain fog, like preparing for Pesach and a few big projects at work.

Not getting my tubes tied just yet but along the lines of wanting the freedom to travel, I think part of me is wanting to dissociate from the ttc stage of life. I've prioritized family building for the vast majority of the past decade. It feels normal to want to clear some space for something new. 

Thursday thoughts

I don't have anything in particular on my mind. I felt like writing so I figured I'll start typing and decide whether to post it after I'm done. 

I started playing wordle, like the rest of the universe. Sometimes I'll cheat by going to a scrabble helper website for ideas, but then it's less fun. What's the accomplishment there? 

We're in the middle of potty training. It's hard for everyone but he's doing great. Still multiple accidents a day. As long as the teachers are ok with it, I think he'll pick it up soon. I was going to potty train over winter break but I didn't have the mental energy for it, and it turns out a lot of staff was out afterward so it was actually good that we didn't get to it then. We're not worrying about night or nap training yet. We had to learn to be ok with accidents and it takes an infinite amount of patience. We're all still learning. 

I need a haircut. Scheduling and going seems like a monumental effort.  

Getting bigger. I'm not uncomfortable yet but I notice myself getting short on breath sometimes. Trying to walk while carrying a 30+lb toddler while wearing a double mask might also have something to do with it. Lots of movement. Sometimes I forget and then feel movement. Hormonally all over the place. Sometimes I'll see a picture of our boy when he was a baby and it will bring tears to my eyes because of how cute he is. 

Trying to address the feeling yuck (stuck re covid, stuck re job, current news) situation with retail therapy. Looking into buying a swingset and fixing up parts of our yard so we can enjoy the outdoors when the weather gets nicer. 

I was rewatching a show that I had seen years ago. I know I've seen it because characters are familiar and even some facial expressions. But I have no idea what the plotline is or how any of the episodes end so it's a great option to rewatch. In one of the episodes a senior FBI agent demands information from her boss who responds with, "...that's above your clearance level. Just do your job!" and it got me thinking. There are times at work when I feel out of the loop and it bothers me that other people are in the know but I find things out through the grapevine, if at all. It's part of the reason I loved working from home - no office gossip and no grapevine. This line in the show was basically an epiphany.... everyone deals with this on some level with their job. It felt very freeing to accept that. 

Support

A few months ago I connected through a facebook support group with someone looking for advice regarding the two clinics we used. I told her I was happy to chat and let her decide if she wants to contact me. We ended up talking for nearly an hour, answering her questions and sharing my experience. Earlier this week she reached out again, asking if I'd be willing to talk to another friend with the same questions.

At this point in my journey, where my role has shifted and life looks very different, I still feel connected to people who are struggling and want to offer any help I can. I know that it's a delicate balance to hear from someone not currently in it so I try to be sensitive about how I communicate and what information I share. They don't need to hear all the ups and downs of my struggle because they will have their own unique journey; they need to hear what would be helpful to them, which means filtering out anything irrelevant and keeping enough information to be helpful and offer hope.

I think @iwassupposedtohaveababy on instagram does a wonderful job of balancing that sensitivity. It is a virtual supportive space for anyone facing fertility related challenges, mainly geared toward the Jewish community but the content is relevant to anyone struggling.

Job talk

If you've been here a while you know I've talked about the love/hate relationship I have with my job. The pros include time off for holidays (Jewish and legal) and vacations, short commute, and some schedule flexibility. The cons include low salary, no growth, and some coworkers. 

The biggest drawback has been the recent rigidity regarding working from home. My job can be done remotely but the head supervisor prefers everyone in the office. Even summer 2020 before vaccines, even during every surge, including this one. 

On the flip side, one of the top reasons I stay is because my organization is a qualified employer under the Public Servant Loan Forgiveness program. Which means that after 120 qualifying payments under this program, the balance of my student loan gets forgiven. I have 35 months left which means another three years in the program. 

I could switch jobs to another qualified employer - any government or 501(c)3 - but then I think about whatever politics there would be in that place and wonder if the change is worth it vs just waiting it out and starting fresh in the for profit world. In three years we may also be past the ttc/infant stages and I'd be able to focus on proving myself at a new job. 

On the other hand, do I want to wait and lose out on the earning potential in the prime of my career? Limited growth now feels like lost opportunity that will compound over the years.  My career growth  stalled about 5 years ago and been plateaued since. 

I thought I don't have time or energy to devote to a side hustle, but I think if it was something I enjoyed (i.e., writing articles or teaching a webinar) I would find the time for it. If I make the effort for that I want to do it because I enjoy it, not because I'm struggling to meet my financial goals. 

Young-me made decisions that makes current-me feel like I'm painted into a corner. I recognize that the past few years were very much dedicated to prioritizing fertility treatment and I don't regret that. At the same time I don't want future-me to look back at current-me and think about the things I should have done. 

Part of my 2022 list of goals was to learn something new so I'm taking a class on the stock market. The more I learn the more I realize how much my brain was missing that stimulation. The news reports about the Great Resignation is also encouraging because it's telling me that I'm not alone in this thinking - everyone is looking for a change, even if it isn't exactly for the same reasons.

Mixed into all of this is potential maternity leave. I don't want to put my baby in daycare at 11 weeks old again. I definitely don't want to make myself crazy trying to pump again. It was because of the lockdowns and the fact that we were home that I was able to nurse to 15 months. I don't know if I would have lasted with the pumping at work schedule insanity. This time around I want to tell them that I'll be working from home more regularly while still keeping my full time status for the PSLF program. If they don't agree to those terms I want to be in a financial position to give my notice and take the time to find a fully remote position. 

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I had these thoughts on my mind and needed to get them out. It's frustrating to feel stuck. It's gotten to a point where the student loan situation hanging over every decision feels like a ball and chain situation. Someone suggested I speak to a career coach, but what will that person tell me that I don't already know? It basically boils down to whether I want to make a change now or wait until my student loan is forgiven. 

Are there other options I haven't considered?