Lurking envy

I wonder if those jealousy niggles will ever fully go away. I don't like to use the word trigger because it's overused and means something different to each person. For me it's more like a tug in my heart, the sting in my eyes, the pull in my gut. Then guilt that I feel it at all instead of just being happy for someone when they share their news.

Last week Dylan Dryer announced she was pregnant with baby number three. I'm not sure why it left me feeling unsettled. Because it was a surprise? Because she's in the public eye? Because they seemed to be done? It doesn't matter and I'm not sure why I care. To start, I have no idea how long they've been trying, and it wasn't anyone's business whether they're done having kids after their second. I dislike that envy is my knee-jerk reaction. 

The daycare had an end of year picnic. Because of covid they held it outside where the parents could be socially distant, and because of the cicadas they did it a month early. It was the first time parents got to meet each other since we're not allowed in the building. I have no problem asking people if they're vaccinated. I don't care if someone thinks it's a personal question. [If they're vaccinated they have no issues saying so, and if they're not comfortable answering the question it's likely because they're not vaccinated and I know to keep my distance. I have no patience for people's feelings when a global pandemic relies on the majority of people being vaccinated so that we can collectively protect the most vulnerable among us who cannot get the vaccine. I try to reel in my judgy attitude, but if someone doesn't get vaccinated I have a hard time trusting their general judgement.] Anyway, when someone near me asked another couple near us if they're fully vaccinated, the dad answered "I am" and the mom hesitated. Turns out she only recently got her first shot because her OB recommended she wait until after her first trimester. She leaned back and rubbed her belly. Slight panic - are we not keeping up? - dissolved quickly.

A coworker of mine is due next month and she's starting her maternity leave coon. Besides for the luxury of being able to afford taking time before the baby is born because of her husband's income, I'm jealous that she's about to start the newborn chapter. It's a difficult stage with a lot of anxiety, for sure, but I loved every second of it. 

The envy has gotten better with time. It's certainly better than it used to be before I had a successful pregnancy. When Kristen Welker announced her news, I had none of that. I've since realized my trigger is specifically pregnancy related, not necessarily babies. Even though it's my knee-jerk reaction, it dissipates quickly. Maybe one day I'll get to a place where I'll hear of a pregnancy announcement and not feel any jealousy. 

Here we go again

I have some annual appointments coming up in June with my gyn and endo. I figured once I get those sorted out, it would be a good time to start the conversation again with my RE about an FET timeline. When I called the RE office last week to schedule my telehealth for after those June appointments, it seemed like the schedule was very full and I couldn't get in until late June. There happened to be one opening available for this week so I just took it, and suddenly... we're back in just like that. 

We met earlier this week and discussed a potential timeline. There are three things that need to happen before the FET: mock transfer, saline ultrasound, and biopsy. I originally thought that all three could be in one appointment, but apparently they need to happen at different points in my cycle. It's preferable that the biopsy happens the month before the FET but the other ones could happen any time and results are valid for a year. As soon as I was done the telehealth appointment I contacted the front desk to get scheduled for the saline ultrasound and mock transfer which I did this morning. 

I got to the office about 10 min before my procedure. Before even arriving there was a covid screening online, as well as one at the front desk. The waiting room had changed a lot since I was last there. The magazines and informational pamphlets were gone, replaced with hand sanitizer pumps and social distancing signs. There were only about 5 available seats in the waiting room, instead of the usual 40. I got called back, they took vitals, and I was asked to sign paperwork. They started with the mock transfer, then I emptied my bladder, then they took measurements (including inspecting my c-section scar), and did the saline ultrasound. We chatted for a bit after and I was done. Thankfully, I think we're cleared to move forward. I had severe cramps after the procedure. It got better with time and advil, but man on man I had forgotten that discomfort. 

I feel like things are moving fast and not fast enough. I'm excited to try again and I'm scared of what's to come. I'm worried about juggling everything, and pandemic stuff, but as it is we waited longer than planned and I don't want to keep waiting. 

Removing the stigma

One of my favorite reporters announced that she and her husband are expecting a baby girl in June with the help of a surrogate. I watched her story this morning and, as I was wrangling my own miracle from trying to head-dive off the bed, I teared up listening to her talk. I'm so, so happy for her. 

Here's this successful, strong woman who likely has the means to afford whatever treatment it would have taken. Through absolutely no fault of her own, it wasn't meant to be for her to carry her own baby. It's hard not to feel like a failure even when it's completely beyond your control. How could your own body betray something your mind and heart want so badly with every fiber of your being? It's not logical because no one blames themselves for needing glasses or having IBS... it's just how your body is made.

I remember when she got married, then some years passed, and thought that maybe she just doesn't want kids. Then felt guilty for even contemplating it - it's so not my business. I remember when Dylan Dryer went through secondary infertility and the show did a whole big story on it to raise awareness (and ratings). She was about to start IVF and the doctors told her not to take the medication because she was already pregnant. I was proud of her for sharing her story. So many people suffer in silence, myself included. It's intensely personal but such an enormous emotional burden to bear. Part of me was ashamed I couldn't do what I felt was my birthright as a woman. Even though I wanted understanding and support, I didn't want pity and I didn't want "helpful" comments. I was also incredibly superstitious and felt like talking about anything might jinx it. 

While she was telling her story, they showed B-roll footage of live shots she squeezed in between doctor's appointments, and getting bad news right before going into a big day.  Women are expected to go through hell and still put on a professional and friendly face. I felt that. It brought me right back. She talked about all the tears that were shed and I felt that also. I remember getting bad news in the car on the way to a seminar, and had to wipe the tears, fix my make up, switch gears, and walk into a room full of people to participate in a workshop. 

Until I reached out, I was not in a place to accept emotional support. It took two failed IVFs and two failed FETs before I even started this blog. I've become more vocal about it and when I'm asked for advice, I make the time to share advice from my experience. We need to be there for each other. Even if you're not ready to accept my support yet, I'll be there to listen and hold your hand when you are.

When Kristen Welker and her husband shared their story, I was happy to hear her news. No strings, just happiness. When someone shares their story, I'm so proud of them. Their courage brings awareness which can help end the stigma. I'm so grateful to them for doing what I couldn't. 

Solidarity and Accountability

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. While I don't have anything specific to share, I appreciate that it exists. It should be recognized in solidarity with anyone struggling to build their family. 

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The former police officer who killed George Floyd was convicted on all three counts. As sad and upset as I feel about the unfairness of what people of color go through, it's a drop in the bucket compared to what they're feeling. Photos of people reacting started flooding my newsfeed on social media. People crying; kneeling in the middle of the street; pulling the car over to process... overcome with feelings. I feel emotional. I recognize it's not about me.

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At the start of the pandemic I ordered a pair of jeans to wear around the house. Comfy and zoom-appropriate. I made the mistake of ordering just a hair too small "to encourage" weight loss so they never fit right. While I was in the category of people who gained weight during those stressful first months of lockdown, I've since gotten back to baseline so we're back to just a bit too snug. My goal is to fit into them comfortably by end of May. Maybe if I write that down I'll be more inclined to follow through. 

Spring

It kind of feels like we're stuck in a limbo between normal life and the dangers of the pandemic. The weather is turning nicer and some reason it feels like that means this should all be over by now, but the mutations, rise in cases, and vaccine hesitation are keeping us from actually moving past it. We're not quite out of the woods yet, as much as we want to be.

Our nearly 18 month old started back at preschool this week. There was definitely some separation anxiety and I dreaded sending him off. It didn't help that when the teachers sent pictures of a smiley baby, I could see the signs of tears recently wiped away. It's an adjustment for all of us. I think he would need to be at school regardless, because he's a social kid and he will benefit from that setting. It doesn't make me miss him any less. 

So what's next.... Can I plan a trip? Tackle some house projects? Plan our next FET? I think we're still not sure. 

I feel conflicted about starting an FET right now. The clock is ticking and ideally I'd want to get started as soon as possible because we don't know how long it will take to be successful. After a year of the pandemic, it doesn't seem like things will be totally back to pre-pandemic any time soon. So do I hold off for an unknown amount of time? Or do I purposely put myself in a more risky condition? It's impossible to know. I don't know the right answer. I revisit this conversation in my head every time I get my period, so I guess I can table it for now until May.

Maybe ok

My mood has improved significantly with the weather. (It might not be just the weather - it could be less of the orange politician in the news, or that there grownups now in charge? Maybe. Let's just assume weather for now.) There have been several stormy days but they've been interspersed among gorgeous spring days so it's been fine. We're able to go outdoors more often. Walking more often. Getting fresh air and everyone moving more makes such a difference. I got a fitness tracker watch (one of several birthday presents I gifted myself) to see how many steps I take. I don't know if it's off or what but it's close to 17,000 a day sometimes. I know chasing a toddler is exhausting but this has to be wrong, right? 

I had off work for Pesach so tried to make the most of it, especially when the weather was nice. Eased up restrictions a bit and took him to outdoor playgrounds when there were no other kids there, we visited some horses and chickens, we took walks looking for puppies (we have a lot of dog owners in our neighborhood) and just enjoyed each others company. On the last day of the holiday he spiked a fever and was extremely crabby and lethargic, refusing food and drink. It was alarming enough that I called the ped on call and was told that if he doesn't settle within 45 min of crying to take him to urgent care or ER. Thankfully he calmed down after 35 min and became himself enough to eat. After some motrin and a full night's sleep he seemed to be himself except for a slight runny nose, dry cough, and some loose stool. I got him covid tested  - and myself in solidarity bc it's a yucky test -just for peace of mind and we both got negative results. So I guess it's a cold? How did he get a cold? After being in a protective bubble all year we were caught completely off guard at the first sign of a fever, made all the more terrifying during a world pandemic. 

I'm mentally exhausted by trying to keep it together when things are still so not yet normal. I feel like I'm allowed to believe things can be ok now that vaccines are more available. There is still the fear of all the things we don't know, especially for those who can't yet get vaccinated. I know this isn't going away so soon and we need to learn to live with it, but it's hard to turn off the anxiety that's been simmering for the past 13 months. 

With my better mood comes hope for new things. I'm ready for the conversation of looking ahead to another FET. I'm interested in new opportunities and saying YES to things I may not have before all this. I want to try and explore new experiences. I've always been introverted and content in my small social circle but this pandemic has awakened a need to do new things, like socially interact with other people. 

Musings

I went to the dentist for a cleaning. They made me take off my mask -- eek. I didn't have any cavities and everything "looked wonderful." There was something they saw on an x-ray from an old filling I got in my teens. It wasn't apparent clinically but they recommended getting it replaced at some point. 

We talked about possibly sending the baby back to school in May. Hopefully by then the state case numbers will be low and steadily decreasing, more people vaccinated, and it will be less risk. He needs to be in a social setting and I think we need to get used to the idea of him being back in school. I love spending time with him and I wish I could full time. Then my job made an announcement that we need to be back full time. So it may need to happen sooner. The daycare added significant fees and it's so expensive. My husband and I are both vaccinated but I'm really worried about the baby who's too young to wear a mask. 

I also went to get my eyes checked. At my request they did some tests to see if I'm a candidate for lasik. I did a virtual consultation for it and even crunched the numbers to see if we can make it work. When it all goes right, it's such a simple procedure with a limited recovery and so much benefit. There are some considerations like childcare during recovery and a ride after the procedure, but the main factor is the cost. I can't justify spending $4,000. Not in our current financial state. Not in this current economic climate. Not when we're about to start paying for daycare again. Not when we don't have any insurance coverage for another FET. 

My period was late. For a small window of time I allowed myself the fantasy of thinking through the what ifs. Is this what "normal" people go through when their period is late? That jolt of excitement about the possibility that this might be a pregnancy. Then followed by terror because it's unexpected and you haven't had time to plan it. Then followed by reassuring yourself that if this happens it will be a blessing and you'll figure it out. Then followed by fear because you're not ready. Then followed by confusion because you forgot this happens for free for some people.. then delight, then horror, then glee... then stop yourself because you felt a cramp. Hold your horses. You're just late. It likely doesn't mean anything at all. But that was a fun ride. A day later there it was. 

I celebrated another birthday a few weeks ago. In the past I used to think of my birthday as a time to compare my current state with where I thought I'd be at this point and inevitably always feel old and unaccomplished. It used to remind me of my declining fertility or that I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my career by now. This year I thought about what a gift a birthday is. Another year wiser, another chance to try new things, a new chapter. So many people lost their lives this past year. They don't get to celebrate any more birthdays. I used to dislike it because there's so much pressure to have an amazing day. That's just not how things happen in my social circle and I've come to accept it and manage my expectations. But shifting the mindset is a gamechanger. No one owes me anything and I am so grateful to still be here. Thank you Hashem. 

Happy Pesach to all who celebrate <3