Tough transition

The transition has been equal parts terrible and wonderful. 

The newborn stage is so fleeting and precious and despite the lack of sleep and pain of recovery I want to savor every moment. Yesterday the baby wasn't interested in being put down so I had him on my chest holding him while he snoozed. The weather was gorgeous and I watched the breeze sway the tree branches outside. The sun was peeking in and out of the clouds as they moved past. I ignored the dishes that needed to be washed and avoided looking at the laundry pile that needed to be folded. I stopped trying to recall when the last time I showered was. It can all wait. The baby's head had a faint smell of soap and I just listened to his coos and grunts, knowing he will not be this tiny for long and trying not to tear up at the thought of him already having outgrown the newborn clothes. I feel like I just took them out of storage. The toddler loves his baby brother and I absolutely adore seeing them interact. 

The toddler has been sick since we got home from the hospital five weeks ago. At first it was a double ear infection. Then it was a lingering cough. Now it's pneumonia and still a very bad cough. I think it's the same bug that's been persistently bothering him that the first dose of abx didn't get. Until this week at no point did he spike a fever or complain. I felt guilty when he was diagnosed because I had no idea. He was energetic, fever free, and totally acting himself until he woke up from nap "really tired" and wouldn't play with any of his toys. I was getting inconclusive results on his temp (98.5 first reading, 100.0 second reading - taken only minutes apart) but decided to get him checked out anyway and rushed to urgent care. He didn't have a fever there either and he was back to his energetic self climbing the walls while waiting for the doctor. The cough keeps him from sleeping so he's on a deficit and other than honey or vicks I don't know how to help him. I hope the second round of abx clears it up soon.

At the same time, I've been sick too. First I was sick with bronchitis. The following week my husband had a cold and as soon as he started feeling better, I got it but what feels like 10x worse. My sinuses feel like they're full of expanding cement and my chest hurts when I cough. My immune system feels so weak and I'm catching everything. We all tested neg for covid multiple times. It's been weeks of constant coughing in my house. 

I'm so sick of being sick. I'm so worried for my babies. I've been wearing a mask to nurse and change the baby so I don't cough directly at him. The toddler was supposed to start camp this week but he's not feeling well enough. We're on our own for childcare and everything feels overwhelming. On top of everything, I'm not getting paid because the HR department messed up the paperwork for the short term disability. All my careful planning was for nothing. I know I'll get back pay once it's settled but that could take weeks or months. It's such an unnecessary stressor at this point on top of everything else but it honestly pales in comparison to how huge everything else feels. 

I just want everyone to feel better. I'm scared and I'm tired. I'm coughing and I'm bleeding. I'm always thirsty and I never know what I want to eat. Praying for a speedy recovery for all of us and a much better continuation of summer than how it started.