Spring

It kind of feels like we're stuck in a limbo between normal life and the dangers of the pandemic. The weather is turning nicer and some reason it feels like that means this should all be over by now, but the mutations, rise in cases, and vaccine hesitation are keeping us from actually moving past it. We're not quite out of the woods yet, as much as we want to be.

Our nearly 18 month old started back at preschool this week. There was definitely some separation anxiety and I dreaded sending him off. It didn't help that when the teachers sent pictures of a smiley baby, I could see the signs of tears recently wiped away. It's an adjustment for all of us. I think he would need to be at school regardless, because he's a social kid and he will benefit from that setting. It doesn't make me miss him any less. 

So what's next.... Can I plan a trip? Tackle some house projects? Plan our next FET? I think we're still not sure. 

I feel conflicted about starting an FET right now. The clock is ticking and ideally I'd want to get started as soon as possible because we don't know how long it will take to be successful. After a year of the pandemic, it doesn't seem like things will be totally back to pre-pandemic any time soon. So do I hold off for an unknown amount of time? Or do I purposely put myself in a more risky condition? It's impossible to know. I don't know the right answer. I revisit this conversation in my head every time I get my period, so I guess I can table it for now until May.

Maybe ok

My mood has improved significantly with the weather. (It might not be just the weather - it could be less of the orange politician in the news, or that there grownups now in charge? Maybe. Let's just assume weather for now.) There have been several stormy days but they've been interspersed among gorgeous spring days so it's been fine. We're able to go outdoors more often. Walking more often. Getting fresh air and everyone moving more makes such a difference. I got a fitness tracker watch (one of several birthday presents I gifted myself) to see how many steps I take. I don't know if it's off or what but it's close to 17,000 a day sometimes. I know chasing a toddler is exhausting but this has to be wrong, right? 

I had off work for Pesach so tried to make the most of it, especially when the weather was nice. Eased up restrictions a bit and took him to outdoor playgrounds when there were no other kids there, we visited some horses and chickens, we took walks looking for puppies (we have a lot of dog owners in our neighborhood) and just enjoyed each others company. On the last day of the holiday he spiked a fever and was extremely crabby and lethargic, refusing food and drink. It was alarming enough that I called the ped on call and was told that if he doesn't settle within 45 min of crying to take him to urgent care or ER. Thankfully he calmed down after 35 min and became himself enough to eat. After some motrin and a full night's sleep he seemed to be himself except for a slight runny nose, dry cough, and some loose stool. I got him covid tested  - and myself in solidarity bc it's a yucky test -just for peace of mind and we both got negative results. So I guess it's a cold? How did he get a cold? After being in a protective bubble all year we were caught completely off guard at the first sign of a fever, made all the more terrifying during a world pandemic. 

I'm mentally exhausted by trying to keep it together when things are still so not yet normal. I feel like I'm allowed to believe things can be ok now that vaccines are more available. There is still the fear of all the things we don't know, especially for those who can't yet get vaccinated. I know this isn't going away so soon and we need to learn to live with it, but it's hard to turn off the anxiety that's been simmering for the past 13 months. 

With my better mood comes hope for new things. I'm ready for the conversation of looking ahead to another FET. I'm interested in new opportunities and saying YES to things I may not have before all this. I want to try and explore new experiences. I've always been introverted and content in my small social circle but this pandemic has awakened a need to do new things, like socially interact with other people. 

Musings

I went to the dentist for a cleaning. They made me take off my mask -- eek. I didn't have any cavities and everything "looked wonderful." There was something they saw on an x-ray from an old filling I got in my teens. It wasn't apparent clinically but they recommended getting it replaced at some point. 

We talked about possibly sending the baby back to school in May. Hopefully by then the state case numbers will be low and steadily decreasing, more people vaccinated, and it will be less risk. He needs to be in a social setting and I think we need to get used to the idea of him being back in school. I love spending time with him and I wish I could full time. Then my job made an announcement that we need to be back full time. So it may need to happen sooner. The daycare added significant fees and it's so expensive. My husband and I are both vaccinated but I'm really worried about the baby who's too young to wear a mask. 

I also went to get my eyes checked. At my request they did some tests to see if I'm a candidate for lasik. I did a virtual consultation for it and even crunched the numbers to see if we can make it work. When it all goes right, it's such a simple procedure with a limited recovery and so much benefit. There are some considerations like childcare during recovery and a ride after the procedure, but the main factor is the cost. I can't justify spending $4,000. Not in our current financial state. Not in this current economic climate. Not when we're about to start paying for daycare again. Not when we don't have any insurance coverage for another FET. 

My period was late. For a small window of time I allowed myself the fantasy of thinking through the what ifs. Is this what "normal" people go through when their period is late? That jolt of excitement about the possibility that this might be a pregnancy. Then followed by terror because it's unexpected and you haven't had time to plan it. Then followed by reassuring yourself that if this happens it will be a blessing and you'll figure it out. Then followed by fear because you're not ready. Then followed by confusion because you forgot this happens for free for some people.. then delight, then horror, then glee... then stop yourself because you felt a cramp. Hold your horses. You're just late. It likely doesn't mean anything at all. But that was a fun ride. A day later there it was. 

I celebrated another birthday a few weeks ago. In the past I used to think of my birthday as a time to compare my current state with where I thought I'd be at this point and inevitably always feel old and unaccomplished. It used to remind me of my declining fertility or that I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my career by now. This year I thought about what a gift a birthday is. Another year wiser, another chance to try new things, a new chapter. So many people lost their lives this past year. They don't get to celebrate any more birthdays. I used to dislike it because there's so much pressure to have an amazing day. That's just not how things happen in my social circle and I've come to accept it and manage my expectations. But shifting the mindset is a gamechanger. No one owes me anything and I am so grateful to still be here. Thank you Hashem. 

Happy Pesach to all who celebrate <3

Sinking

Since I've been fully vaccinated, and after both my husband and I tested negative for COVID-19 after a short voluntary quarantine, we were finally welcomed into the family pod. It's been great to have playmates for our boy to play with. There's a difference of mind in our pod and I'm struggling. 

Some believe that we must follow CDC guidelines to the letter. Those guidelines, as of Feb 18, 2021, state: "COVID-19 Cases are Extremely High. Avoid Events and Gatherings. COVID-19 cases, hospitalizations, and deaths are extremely high across the United States. To decrease your chance of getting and spreading COVID-19, CDC recommends that you do not gather with people who do not live with you at this time. Attending events and gatherings increases your risk of getting and spreading COVID-19. Stay home to protect yourself and others from COVID-19."

Some others in the pod believe that since a large portion of the adults of our pod are fully vaccinated (some only had one shot; kids none obvs), if we take all the necessary precautions such as fully masking and keeping distance, it should be ok to gather indoors for a short amount of time with people outside the pod. Among the fully vaccinated, there are those of the opinion that we can hang out indoors unmasked with members of the pod.

I feel like there is a disconnect between science-based facts and baseless fear with unnecessary isolation. We can no longer rely solely on common sense and our judgement is bias because we're exhausted by decision fatigue. At the same time there are no clear rules about what's allowed now that some of us are immunized. 

In short, this is leading up to the current argument we're having. There's a social occasion happening this weekend I'd like to attend which happens to be at the building I work. I believe it's safe for me to go. I'm in the building for work regularly; masks will be worn by all attendees; I'm fully vaccinated +2 weeks have passed since my last dose; social distancing will be maintained; I don't plan to stay long. 

Short term concern is getting kicked out of the pod. The long term and more serious concern is getting an extremely contagious virus and passing it on to unvaccinated family members. 

My mental health has been sinking and I feel like this is a form of self-care. Taking control of a situation in which we have no control. We're staring down the anniversary of a year of isolation and pain... to me going to an event with seemingly minimal risk seems like the ultimate f-u in the face of a pandemic that stole so much from so many. 

But maybe that's the temptation. Letting our guard down now seems like giving up after spending so many months with cracked hands and foggy glasses and anxious news reports. I don't know the answer and I'm tired of arguing about it. I'm tired of all of it. I'm just sad and tired. 

Support is available

For anyone struggling to build their family for any reason, this is for you. You are not alone. 

This summit will be bringing together nearly a dozen organizations that provide resources for people going through fertility challenges or want to support those going through that difficult journey. Jewish in context but everyone is welcome. Free and open to all. 

Register at iwassupposedtohaveababy.org/summit

 

Down

From so many people I hear that they're reaching capacity for what they can tolerate. As moms, as employees, as human beings. "Wet sponge that just can't absorb anymore" is the phrase that comes to mind. 

For me, I've gotten into a routine and have become kind of numb to everything else. I have limited interests and nothing seems worth the effort. My world has narrowed to the walls of my house. I try to walk outside regularly but with the cold weather even that's not happening regularly. I stopped caring about what I eat and have gained weight. I've lost momentum with my job search. Where there was once determination there is now only dejection. Advice from people who have successfully advanced their careers is irrelevant at best and mocking at worst: "I got recruited off LinkedIn;" or "my friend said there was an opening and got my resume to the hiring manager." No one responds to my applications and I'm starting to wonder what's the point. On the flip side I try to remind myself that I should be grateful to be employed, that not everyone is as fortunate, and that hopefully one day things will get better. 

What at first felt like survival mode has now just become the grooved plateau I live in. Anxiety turned to numbness. We're always in the house so I can't find a chunk of time to get the cleaning crew in. I'm doing the never-ending cycle of laundry, dishes, and trash/recycle removal and little beyond that. The only thing I care about is taking care of and playing with my little one, and the thought of sending him back to school is something we yearn for and dread and the same time. The original plan was waiting for us both to be fully vaccinated before considering it, but he's so bored in the house no matter what toys or games we offer. I think the warmer weather will help when we can be outside for longer than 2 minutes at a time. 

I'm stuck with fertility treatment. We can't do anything because our insurance doesn't cover a single penny. We're still technically looking for jobs in the hopes that one of us finds one with better insurance. But in this climate we're not hopeful that something amazing like that will fall in our laps. 

I watched the first half of the impeachment trial and was so impressed and horrified with the case presented. I couldn't bring myself to watch the defense, mainly because they kept showing clips of him and I had no interest in seeing his face again. Outcome incredibly depressing. 

I was eligible to get the vaccine in two of the current phases of my state (through my job and volunteer status at a hospital). My husband is in the last group to be called and so is not yet eligible. We've heard from several people that the mass vaccination site at Six Flags, which is a drive-through, isn't checking paperwork. If you get an appointment, you get a vaccine. Getting an appointment is the challenge, with people trying for hours multiple days in a row before scoring an appointment. They don't understand why he won't sign up. "If you can get a vaccine, you should - it's a matter of life and death. Who's to say who is more eligible? Why do they get to decide that my life isn't as important? If it doesn't go in my arm it might go to waste?" I agree that the vaccine rollout is a complete disaster. I don't have the answers but it feels wrong. And we're not going anywhere or doing anything to give him any increased risk so no point in fighting for appointments when hopefully more will become available and his phase will open soon. It's so disappointing that we waited months for this and had time to prepare but it seems like everyone was caught with their pants down to encourage a Hunger-Games-style situation. The whole thing adds to the depression. 

We're coming up on the one year anniversary of the lockdowns. One year yahrtzeit of my father-in-law's passing from the coronavirus. 

Overall feeling down. 

Daily Grind - pandemic style

I've been wearing an envo (reusable N95) plus surgical mask since July. The envo seals around my face so not only does it give better protection but also eliminates the glasses fog. Some people looked at me weird when I first started showing up with this (especially the ones who were more concerned about matching their mask to their outfits), but now double-masking is a thing sanctioned by the top professionals. 

When I start to get overwhelmingly down about the state of the world and how stuck I feel, I try to think of the positive sides to this pandemic. There are lots, but so many come with a darker side. For example, we've saved a nice chunk of change from not sending anything to the dry cleaners for the past year. But that probably means that a lot of others did the same and that business went under.

My weight has been going up and down in direct correlation to my mood. At the start of the pandemic I gained. Toward the fall I lost enough to get back to baseline (pre-pregnancy weight). At this point I'm finding myself comfort-eating more often than not and it's showing. I feel my clothes fitting tighter and get surprised when I catch an unexpected angle in the mirror. I try to fight the "what's the point" attitude with "this isn't forever." It takes a lot of mental energy to eat mindfully and I'm not in that mindset. I want to be healthy and strong, with all the right reasons to motivate me, but with so many limits on our lives food is a reliable, easy reward during a time we can all use extra love and comfort. 

I took some time this week for personal grooming and self-care. I encourage my husband to do the same. We're deep in survival mode doing the bare minimum. After an incident left my feelings deeply wounded I needed to reset: I lovingly made a giant vat of chicken soup on Sunday. I had been saving the ingredients the week prior and finally got everything I needed in the last delivery. Since baby boy is currently transitioning from two naps to one, those nap minutes are precious and I used them to chop and clean veg to start the soup. I let it simmer for hours, and the house smelled amazing. I patted myself on a job well done and was so happy to have healthy lunch and dinner options for the next few days. The next morning I woke up literally by sitting straight up in bed: I had forgotten to put the soup in the fridge the night before and the whole pot spoiled. Between teething and the nap situation, I'd been getting less sleep and I was so tired and out of it the night before that I just forgot. I had no one to blame but myself and I was so, so upset. It put me in a funk and I needed something tangible to snap me out of it so I waxed my eyebrows and gave myself a pedicure. I gave a donation to charity to try to offset the sadness I felt by this seemingly minor incident to try to put out some good vibes into the world. [Thinking more about it I realize this was the last straw to something else too. I recently took on the challenge of watching all the Star Wars (yes, 9 movies). I didn't realize it at the time but I was feeding off of the energy of the rebellion who had something to fight for: a unifying goal that they were all working hard toward together. Excitement, adventure, hopping in a ship and taking off. All the things stuck people don't have. I'm thinking the soup was the last straw for me and it sent me down a dark path. I'm still not totally over it but at least better.] 

We've discussed the option of trying to figure out how to schedule the cleaning crew to give our house a scrub since that's something that brings us joy. But with the cold weather making outdoors not an option and no safe indoor options, we literally have nowhere to go for several hours. Something else to push to the back burner for "when this is over." 

I'm trying to think ahead and believe things will get better. There will be a time when we can hang out with friends and hang out with family and feel safe dropping our child off at school. I try not to think too far ahead because then it makes it harder to come back to the present when none of those things are an option. It's like playing the What Would I Do If I Won The Lottery - you imagine all the things you can buy with unlimited funds; how the world would be wide open for you to explore without the burden of debts or a daily job to report to... but then you need to come back to reality and realize you're still stuck to the financial ball and chain that is the daily grind. 

On top of the mental struggle is the cherry on top known as guilt. As challenging as things feel for me, everyone I speak to is going through something. Some are challenged with trying to settle the estates of loved ones who were lost to the virus; others are dealing with struggling with food insecurity and financial instability because they lost their jobs; some are dealing with the crippling anxiety that comes with isolation, loneliness, and fear of what we're all dealing with. It doesn't mean my challenges are real to me, but putting things in perspective is important too.