It's been a tough week for me. The recovery from this procedure really kicked my butt. Cramping lasted nearly a week; spotting lasted nearly as long; I had all kinds of side effects from the anesthesia like puffy and dry eyes, headaches, fatigue, nausea, and constipation. I tried to stay hydrated and eat right but I was barely making it awake through most days. I am so lucky my office was closed for the holiday week because I don't think I would have taken the time off to recover and I clearly needed it. It wasn't enough to warrant drugs, but taking it easy and staying hydrated were key. I don't know how much of my symptoms were because of the procedure and how much due to the weather; either way it sucked. It was definitely more of a recovery than my procedure in January.
Since I spent most of the week in bed or on the couch, I was on my phone for entertainment the majority of it. That's a bad idea and I don't recommend it. Social media is the devil and it will find your weak spots and exploit them. First of all, I was so disappointed to see how many complaints were being posted about the lack of camp on July 4th. No one wants to spend time with their children? No one wants to make childhood memories that last a lifetime? What is wrong with people?
Second, there were the vacation photos. People are clearly posting their highlight reel, I know that. They're not posting the fight they had this morning with their spouse, or their regular day at work, or the broken washing machine, or the spoiled milk they put in their coffee, or the thousands of other daily life things that happen. They're posting pictures of beach vacations, pool parties, and exotic getaways. Smiling on a jetski, or posing with an icy cocktail on a boat in a cute summer dress with a floppy hat, or showing some ancient monument in Europe, or piling in big happy groups on the side of a pool with a bbq in the background. For someone who is already down because of what feels like a steaming pile of poo life has handed them, these pictures were a stab in the gut. It's the things I want but can't afford or don't have access to.
I have a large group of acquaintances but not a big group of friends. I have people I can go out to lunch with one-on-one. But here is no cohesive group like on "Friends" the TV show where we default together. Usually the default group is family which I'm grateful and blessed to have, with all the politics and fun that comes with. Which means that on a day like July 4th when people post about potluck parties and large get-togethers, it makes me sad we're not invited to people's parties. My sister hosted a bbq which we went to but it was family and then their entire group of friends. I felt out of place and left after a couple of hours. I used to have really close friends but life took us on different paths and we're barely in touch. Geography is a big part of it. Being married to someone not as social is part of it. Spending all my mental energy on trying to build a family is a part of it.
I don't know how people make close friends later in life, but I know it's not from doing what I'm doing. Something big needs to change, like moving to a new neighborhood or having a kid who has friends with parents, or starting a new job, or something similar that puts you in a position to spark new relationships.
Over my break I watched a documentary called "9/11 Faker," which talks about a person who pretended to have escaped the twin towers right before they fell. In the documentary, the real survivors of 9/11 talk about their experiences and how they started a support group for the survivors to get together, discuss their experiences, and lean on each other due to their shared experiences. Talking about the reason they started the group, and why he could no longer rely on his family for that support, one survivor said a phrase that stuck in my mind: "My need to talk is greater than their ability to listen." Even though his family loves him and wants to be there for him, they just don't understand. His story doesn't change and the horror replays in his mind all the time, so after a while people who weren't there just don't get the need to keep talking about it as a way to process.
Over my break I watched a documentary called "9/11 Faker," which talks about a person who pretended to have escaped the twin towers right before they fell. In the documentary, the real survivors of 9/11 talk about their experiences and how they started a support group for the survivors to get together, discuss their experiences, and lean on each other due to their shared experiences. Talking about the reason they started the group, and why he could no longer rely on his family for that support, one survivor said a phrase that stuck in my mind: "My need to talk is greater than their ability to listen." Even though his family loves him and wants to be there for him, they just don't understand. His story doesn't change and the horror replays in his mind all the time, so after a while people who weren't there just don't get the need to keep talking about it as a way to process.
That phrase really touched me because it's how I feel with my support group. I call them my "out-of-network" group since they love me and want to be there for me but they just don't get it. My "in-network" support group are the people who have gone through it or are still going through it. I only have one non-online friend that we met recently who is still going through it and I often times find it easier to talk to her than some family members or even my oldest friends.
At this point it's been three years since we started fertility treatment. I feel like I can't talk about it anymore to people who aren't in it. They're not as compassionate as they need to be, they're slightly dismissive without meaning to be, and they don't understand that asking "so what's next?" to get the timeline moving isn't going to make it move any faster. When I said I was having a hysteroscopy, one person responded with "oh you've had this already" as in ok so it's not a big deal. It's surgery. It's recovery. It's still scary and frustrating and painful. I don't need to hear that it's not a major surgery to make me feel better. I need sympathy and compassion and "Ugh I'm sorry you're going through that again; I hope you get some answers." When people downplay my procedures then I'm reluctant to share because it makes me feel like I have no right to talk about it, since it's no big deal right? I'm not asking to be coddled but I'm feeling dismissed. My best friend didn't check in. For 4 days. On Tuesday I texted her to make sure she's ok. I get that her job is very demanding and that my treatment is repetitive but still. A text. C'mon.
One other thing contributing to my mood is the Handmaid's Tale. Anyone else watching it? I won't give away spoilers but during the latest episode my thoughts were "Omg, even SHE got a baby before me." It's a very intense show and I'm not sure why I watch it when it's so disturbing.
Next week I go in for a post-op appointment and to discuss next steps. I can't believe summer is already half-way over.
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