Best Interest

At the start of the pandemic shutdown it felt like time was standing still while we held our collective breath to see what happens. For a while I had trouble keeping track of the days and weeks - if it weren't for Shabbat to ground me then every day would have been the same. Every day was similar: going nowhere, doing nothing, and glued to the news to figure out what in the world is happening. The days passed and eventually we got used to the new schedule. Days turned to weeks which turned to months and suddenly we're in August with a fast approaching deadline about what to do with the fall. 

There are people who have gotten used to the new world. They're out and about in a way that works for their family. Then there are those of us who are still as worried today as we were in the tail-end of March. I'm not sure if it's PPD rearing it's head again, or it's the result of being home too much, or maybe a combo with a bit of both, but I've noticed my heightened anxiety about other things too.  A few weeks ago we decided to drive to a lake to have a picnic. The drive was about 25 min to get there. When we had gone about a mile away from home I started to feel uneasy. The what-ifs started rolling: what if we get a flat tire? What if someone rear-ends us? What if the car suddenly overheats? These were both rational and irrational fears. In regular times, if any of those things happen, you just call for help. AAA does their thing and you get a ruined afternoon and a story out of it. But these aren't regular times. The simple inconvenience of a misbehaving car could turn deadly if the AAA tech is a positive case exposing us to the virus we've been hiding from until now.

As it turned out, we ended up getting to the lake and seeing that it was crowded, with few people wearing masks. So we drove around a bit to see the lake and then turned around and headed home. No incidents in the hour round trip, thankfully. I wasn't so anxious that I couldn't function. I was driving while my husband kept the baby entertained in the back. We were listening to music and chatting. Overall it was a pleasant outing, minus the last ten minutes when the baby had had enough. He's not used to being strapped in that long considering how infrequently we venture out with the car these days. But the background anxiety was there, lurking just below the surface. 

Everything feels like impending disaster. It's obviously not healthy to think this way but not unusual for what's going on in the world. It's justified and concerning at the same time. As long as I'm self-aware enough to recognize it I feel like I have it under control. But the simmering anxiety makes me question my gut which is something I've always felt I could rely on without question. 

There are some things that are just facts and don't require much overthinking. The pandemic is not yet under control. There is a risk of getting the virus when people are within close proximity, especially when they're not wearing a mask. It is unknown who will have complications or just be asymptomatic if infected. It is not known if a vaccine will fix this issue. Those are just black and white facts. 

Then there are the gray areas which are what's keeping me up at night. With all the precautions being taken by schools, will they be able to prevent the spread of the virus? Even with all the precautions, will there still be an outbreak and any school that opens eventually get closed again? Will going to get my own groceries instead of getting delivery put my family at risk? Will being fully quarantined for two weeks prevent us from spreading the virus to our extended family if we want to see them and hug them?  If they do open schools and there is a huge increase in cases will we go back to square one and shut everything down? There are so many unknowns. 

My job is no longer allowing us to fully work from home starting in a few weeks. I don't know the exact plan for what they expect from us (especially since offices need to be staffed at max 60% to encourage social distancing). I know working from home while doing full time childcare is not ideal, from both the employee and employers standpoint. In fact, it's really difficult to juggle and quite exhausting. But the alternative is sending him to daycare which I'm convinced will put him at an incredible risk. 

If we could afford to live off of one salary that would be my first choice and I would care for the baby while my husband worked. My second choice would be to to continue working from home during naps and walks and after bedtime. I do not want to be forced to send him to daycare so that I can keep my job. I can't imagine feeling good about that. Anticipating this I started sending out my resume several months ago. While I'm sure they're out there, I'm having a hard time finding companies that aren't on a hiring freeze and have jobs available that are fully remote. 

After thinking about it for a while - since this is what keeps me up at night - I realized what bothers me the most about the reopening plan. The problem is that on a leadership level, starting from the White House and seemingly from my employer, we are being told to trust blindly that they have things under control when it clearly isn't. It gives me no comfort to hear the president say that if we stop testing we'll stop having cases. Since leadership inspires no confidence, I feel like I need to rely on my gut. 

Is my gut broken because of overuse and decision fatigue from the last few months? I'm reluctant to ignore it now when it seems like it could literally be a life and death situation. If it comes down to it, do I quit my job so that I don't have to send him to daycare? I don't know what to do and I don't see a path how to fix this. I know I'm not alone in this - there are millions of other people worrying about health vs income. 

I'm mentally exhausted and don't know how to recharge to be able to think things through more clearly. I don't want to make a rash decision or feel backed into a corner. 

Choices

This morning I saw my neighbor's cleaning lady park in front of my house and had a small wave of jealousy. I can just as easily call my cleaning crew and schedule a cleaning. They would be thrilled to come back. I see people on social media posting things like "finally alone!" after sending their kids to camp. Or taking their first "back to work" selfie.

I could do all these things if I chose to. It's not that I don't want to, it's that it feels unsafe to make those choices. Would it be nice to get some space and quiet? Sure. Would it be nice to have someone else take care of the cleaning, or get takeout instead of cooking, or a million other things we took for granted in the past? Sure. But not at the expense of any of anyone's health. It doesn't feel safe to go out. The virus is out of control in the United States and I just don't think it's worth the risk.

I don't wish anything bad to happen to people who make these choices. But I wonder how it's possible for some people to go regular grocery shopping, send their kids to camp, have their cleaning help, go to work -- in short, live "normally" -- and not contract anything. Or maybe they are just asymptomatic and are lucky not to be suffering from it. I wonder if it's selfish of them to do those normal things at the expense of spreading the virus and extending this nightmare for everyone.

Regardless of why or how, it must be nice to not live in a head-space of constant worry. Maybe that's what I'm jealous of.

Unsettled

I've been having a lot of anxiety about the "Covid and the Classroom" news. I know schools need to open. I know it's best for the kids to be among peers and learn in person. I know my own baby would enjoy having that social aspect added to his daily routine. But it seems like everyone in leadership is ignoring the fact that nothing is different regarding the virus. Cases are still spiking, hospitals are at capacity, and people are still getting very sick and dying. The only difference is that people are sick of being home and the economy is in the dumps. There is nothing different about the dangers of the virus and how contagious it is. I don't want to send him back to daycare until I feel it's safe and it doesn't feel safe. Daycare has not yet opened so until now it wasn't even a choice.

Our quarantine habits haven't changed. We don't go out to anything non-essential. Groceries are still being delivered. I haven't had normal ice cream in months because they haven't figured out how to keep it from melting yet. Whatever... I certainly found a way to stress eat and gain weight without it. I broke quarantine a few times for doctor's appointments fully masked and then felt uneasy for 2 weeks after each one waiting for that window of time to pass. We agreed to see some family at 10 ft apart. We go out on walks around the neighborhood. We cross the street if anyone comes near us and head home if the streets feel too crowded. Not everyone wears masks or is as concerned with keeping their distance.

I recognize that the world can't stay shut down forever - it was only supposed to be for a few weeks to "flatten the curve" and slow the spread. I don't want it to stay shut down, but we haven't fixed the problem yet! I know the longer we're in quarantine the harder it's going to be mentally to get back. Even so - going back when things feel this unsafe just to start going out is not the answer. When I'm up at 4 in the morning because I'm worrying and can't sleep I go online and look for remote jobs I can do from home so that I don't have to send him to daycare when it does reopen.

I hate that I'm being forced to go back to work, even at limited hours, just to "get used to being in the office again."  I can do my job at home, and have since March, but starting next week they're asking us to come back for optics. If schools are open in the fall we're expected to show up in person full time. I hate that I feel like I need to choose between my safety and my paycheck. No exceptions. If we refuse to come back, we can self furlough. With limited work as it is, that will likely be followed by unemployment. I wish we had another financial option so I could tell them to go to hell. I hate that I feel like going outside puts me and my family at risk. I hate the uneasy feeling I get every time I watch the news because they're in such denial of what's happening.

The White House corona task force is such a joke. I watched them the other day congratulating themselves on what a great job they're doing, while at the same time ignoring the additional tens of thousands of new cases that were reported that day. The numbers are out of control: as of this writing there are 135,000+ deaths and over 3.17 million confirmed positive cases in the USA. They're only testing 700,000 per day and all the experts are saying they need at least 1-2 million per day. The task force says "schools must open" but don't care at what cost to human life. They don't want to fund any of the guidelines suggested from CDC, instead threatening to slash school funding for anyone who doesn't open. They ignore the fact that people are waiting for 8 hours in 100 degree weather in Arizona just to get a test.

Quarantine fatigue is real. People around us have stopped keeping their social distance. They have backyard BBQs where the adults are sitting 6 ft apart but there's a table of shared food and the kids are all playing together. The more people say they're done the less I want to go outside and interact with anyone. That's not great for my mental health but I'm worried about our physical health too. It's impossible to be in a constant state of hysteria but it seems like there are daily new things to trigger it that I'm getting worn down and that itself feels scary. Like if I let my guard down for too long everything might cave in. Simple things we used to take for granted, like readily knowing what day it is and what month we're in, have taken a back seat.

As he gets more active and nearly mobile, he needs more attention. It's getting harder to try to work while he's awake which is fine - I cram the work in during early or late hours, nap times, and whenever my husband can take a break from his job. I'd rather juggle the impossible than worry about risking his health by sending him to school. Besides, I'm really enjoying being home with him. If I had the option to be a stay at home mom I would take it without hesitation. 

It may not be feasible to stay home forever but I feel that we have to stay strong, mentally and emotionally, for ourselves and for each other, until there is a real solution. When will this end? I don't know how and I don't know when and that's the most unsettling part.

June

We recently celebrated several milestones. Our thirteen year anniversary. My husband's first father's day as a father, without his father. The baby sleeping through the night minus one wakeup most nights. Four teeth. Almost crawling.

Things have slowed significantly at my job. Covid affected the budget so they cut our salaries. There is less work also because of covid and the new tasks I was supposed to take on after returning from maternity leave are nearly non-existent. What little work we are doing is from home. Yet for some reason they want to have us phasing back to working in the office. Staggered at first "to prepare for a full reopening in the fall." I fought back on this because I said I felt unsafe to return to work during a spike in cases across the country. There wasn't even a mask policy in place until I brought it up. Conversations are up in the air but they don't seem to be making exceptions. I feel like I need to find another position. It makes me feel guilty to want a different job when 40 million people are unemployed but these are the times we're living in. I have an MBA and years of experience and even though I love parts of my job I've had countless times I felt the need to consider leaving. It always came down to needing the flexibility for fertility treatment. Maybe now is the right time to leave. Find a new place and have time to prove myself before needing flexibility for future treatment when we decide to pursue #2.

We haven't been to daycare since they last shut down on March 13. We've been back to get his stuff - lined up in the parking lot, popped the trunk, and one of his teachers put a bag in. I brought him along and they waved and cooed through the closed window. It was bittersweet. Even though he was only in daycare 10 weeks, I could tell the teachers loved him. They are not considering reopening until September. When I was asked by the director if we plan to come back my knee-jerk reaction was that I don't want to send him to daycare until there's a vaccine. I held back from saying that and said that it all depends on our jobs: whether we're still employed, working from home, how many hours. I know it's not any kind of definitive answer but I don't think anyone can give one these days.

Baby loves eating. He's long and super active so weight gain is slow but I think we're on track to the goal of tripling birth weight by first birthday. He gets around by rolling, flipping from back to tummy to back over and over. His personality is coming through and he seems to understand things more every day. He makes it clear when he doesn't want to eat anymore. He knows he's not supposed to lick the carpet but tests boundaries daily. We're gearing up to babyproof everything.

Married couples were never meant to spend this much uninterrupted time together. There are signs that we've been together in quarantine too long. Easily frustrated at each other at little things, making a big deal of something that wouldn't necessarily make the highlight reel under normal circumstances, getting in each other's space. The usual. We're working on keeping the peace and trying to be kind. This is far from over and we know we're lucky to not be quarantining in loneliness.

I needed to make a change for my mental and physical health so I put the nutella away and started walking around the neighborhood. I had gained 10 lbs over the last few months and feeling down and dumpy. I'm not sure how much I can diet strictly while breastfeeding but I can definitely cut the sweets and snacks. Already down 5 so that's making me feel better. My husband and I decided to try to lose 10% of our body weight so that's our current summer project. 

I found a lump on my breast. I thought it was breastfeeding related and tried to massage it out but it just resulted in a bruised boob. I gave it some time before I went to get an ultrasound. The radiologist said it doesn't look concerning but wants me to come back in a month. 

We wanted to get away, I really miss the beach and the water, but I'm too nervous to be around people. I'm worried about hotels and vacation rentals and what-if catastrophes. I recognize the stay-at-home order was supposed to be temporary but while the country is still out of control with regard to covid cases I'm just not comfortable taking unnecessary risks. Maybe my first trip out of quarantine will be to Trader Joe's. 

May

I should have been writing as things were happening. I know memories fade fast but between working and simultaneously taking care of the baby, sporadic sleep, and maximum anxiety I just couldn't find the energy.

I had foot pain that started in February that I meant to get seen. Then quarantine happened and I just put it on the back burner. It got bad enough where I was waking up stiff all over with shooting pain coming from my right heel when I tried to put weight on it that I reached out to a physical therapist who did a telehealth appointment and told me about plantar fasciitis. That sounded like what I had. She gave me some exercises and stretches to do, along with ice and rest. There was no time for ice or rest but I tried keeping up with the stretches when I remembered and it was more manageable.

I know exercise will help but I have to find the mental energy for that. I barely have the energy to keep my shit together long enough to do the basics. We've been home since March and only been doing grocery delivery. No takeout, no breaks. It was hard enough getting dinner together nightly. Now we're eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at home. Baby has started solids, which was terrifying at first, but now really fun to watch him explore and discover new foods. We're up to 3 teeth. Likes include sweet potatoes and squash; dislikes include avocado and new textures like cottage. I'll keep offering them to see if his tastes evolve.

Shavuot came and went. It was another holiday without shul or guests. When pesach started we didn't think we would still be doing this for shavuot. Yet here we are.

I've participated in plenty of the trends making rounds on instagram. That includes baking banana bread, trying out different bread recipes like crusty bread and pita, giving my husband a haircut, the whipped coffee, and probably a bunch others I'm not thinking about. I gained weight during quarantine which doesn't help my foot pain or mental state. I'm eating myself awake, I'm stress-baking, and we've prioritized things that require little to no prep, like cereal, which is basically empty calories. 

I'm still enjoying being home with him. As hard as it is to work while taking care of him, I'm grateful to have a job and I'm grateful I get to enjoy watching him reach milestones and get cuter by the day. He's sleeping a little better these days - still waking up at night but not as often and not for as long.

I've cried at the news of George Floyd's death and all the other horrible stories of mistreatment of black people that came to light. I've cried at the numbers that keep rising: cases, hospitalizations, deaths. I've cried at the mismanagement from leadership at the top. I've cried at the feeling of hopelessness that this will never end. I've cried at the uncertainty of what will happen with our income. I've cried in anxiety about our health and our family's health. I've cried that my baby's grandparents and cousins can only enjoy him via video chat or from a distance and missing the most delicious stage yet.

April

This was a really tough month. In late March my husband's father was hospitalized for not feeling well, thinking it was complications of his diabetes. Less than a week later he passed away from covid complications.

To say the situation was traumatic and surreal would be an understatement. It was the height of the epidemic in their state. There was a backlog at the funeral home so he couldn't get buried for two days (Jewish custom is to bury as soon as possible, most times within 24 hours or next business day depending on cemetery staffing availability). There was no funeral. Shiva, which is normally the period of seven days where the mourners gather and have visitors and meals delivered, was conducted individually by each mourner at their own home with no visitors. Calls and emails only. This was immediately before Pesach. I was working, making pesach on my own, and doing daycare while trying to be as supportive as possible to my husband who just lost his father.

Pesach came and went. It was a strange time. The weather had turned chilly and we still were fully quarantined. All shuls were closed. No guests at meals. We kept our phones on in case our families needed to reach us in an emergency. The baby was teething so no one was getting much sleep.

After the holiday, I took the baby for his 6 month appointment. The ped was only seeing patients under 2 for well-visits. As anxious as I was about leaving the house, with the baby no less, I didn't want to get off schedule with his shots. Only one parent was allowed. I masked up, put a cover over the stroller and got in the building. We had checked in over the phone before coming up. We got screened at the front, temp taken. When I got the ped office I rang the bell and was taken right to a room. No waiting room, no other contact with anyone else. The ped was fully garbed in PPE with gown, goggles, mask.

In other news, my period returned the second day of quarantine. Not sure if that was my body's plan all along while breastfeeding full time or if the stress of the situation had anything to do with it. Other than the doctor's appointment my only other time breaking quarantine was going to the mikvah. They were also taking precautions like asking everyone to wear masks and do all the preps at home.

All of our groceries are being delivered. If it can't get delivered we just don't need it. The news isn't getting any less intense and it's mentally exhausting.

Black pepper

I have been meaning to come on and update. Every time I feel like there's something to write about something else, bigger and more frightening, happens.

The start of March was calm like any other week. We were getting used to our new schedule. At 4.5 months he started getting at least one four hour long stretch of sleep per night. I was getting used to my new tasks at work. We were getting ready to celebrate Purim. My birthday came and went, uneventful as expected. My family was too busy, my husband's strong point isn't presents or surprises, and everyone just had too much going on. The usual. I tried to swallow my disappointment but there were the usual arguments.

My birthday was followed shortly by Purim. There were talks of large scale events being canceled but the whole idea of a virus was still very much back-burner news. It was business as usual with some casual maybe-I'll-get-an-extra-box-of-pasta kind of mindset at the store. March 11 was a turning point. It was the day after Purim. It was the day the World Health Organization declared the coronavirus a world pandemic. It was the day that toilet paper was suddenly worth its weight in gold. It was a Wednesday. The next day there were lines out the door at the supermarket. By Friday, we were told to take all of his stuff home because school was "closed next week" and we'll probably need the stuff.

The following Monday I made a second trip to the store and it was no less busy. That was the last time we were out in crowds. I've since filled up the cars with gas and taken out cash. It's two weeks later and we've placed delivery orders for groceries online but we're still waiting for them. We're ok for the most part. The first thing we ran out of is black pepper. I'm not running out to the store to buy it; and hopefully my pesach order for delivery will include it, unlike some of the other deliveries that were sent to friends with many items missing. I can't remember a time when I didn't have black pepper in the house and now it seems like such a luxury. We're obviously not suffering and I'm not complaining.

It's challenging to try to work full time while caring for a baby at home, trying to tag team between us. It's hard not to feel guilty trying to finish up an email when he wakes up from a nap and wants to play - knowing he's ok but still feeling torn. It's tough being in the house all day, every day and taking care of everything while trying to remain calm and accept the new normal. The images from the news are terrifying. We need to maintain some balance between being informed and overdosing on news. We're staying home, washing our hands, and praying for the sick and caretakers. It seems simple in theory and unfortunately the best we can do.

I almost feel guilty by how much I'm enjoying being home and taking care of him. I definitely wanted to extend my maternity leave but not at the expense of a world pandemic. I love being home in general and having my family with me makes it amazing. I wish we could see cousins and grandparents but for the time being it's just not worth the risk. The weather has turned so nice and it's beautiful outside so we take short walks around the neighborhood and hang out in the backyard every so often.

As challenging as it is to be cooped up inside terrified of the what-ifs, we know it's the best case scenario in a very frightening time. The images coming out of other countries hit hard, or even New York, are so scary.

Hope everyone stays home, stays well, and stays sane. We'll get through this together.