I'm 9 days post transfer and the pee sticks are coming up negative. I started testing 6dp and there was an extremely faint line, almost an evap line. I had to squint and really look to see it. All the internet searches assured me it was too early and that no line didn't mean anything yet. I've been taking a test daily since, not necessarily with first morning urine. Sometimes a second test a day. All so that I have an excuse for myself why the line wasn't getting darker.
This morning I took a test with fmu and it wasn't even faint. Just a clear negative. Saying I'm disappointed doesn’t cover it, but calling it devastation feels too strong. I'm just really sad.
I feel surprised because I was so sure it would work. I didn't prioritize doing any of the rituals I had done the first times. I thought I was past the superstitions and it was a tested protocol; we knew that not only it worked but it worked more than once. I was sure it would stick. It's part of the reason we waited so long to transfer: we needed to be ready to catch a baby in 9 months from transfer because I was certain that the protocol would succeed.
I feel guilty. We are profoundly grateful for the family we've built. It feels greedy to want more when our prayers were answered before. We recognize that we are so lucky it feels almost wrong to shed tears and "waste emotion" over children that never got to exist.
I feel frustrated that I still have to take the crinone until I get an official negative beta. It's keeping me captive in a Schrodinger's pregnancy. Until they confirm there's no pregnancy I can't help but hope that the pee sticks are faulty or dismiss the results I'm getting as late implantation.
I feel so sad. I saved all the baby clothes and toys in closets, piling more in and readjusting to make everything fit as my kids aged out of stages. It will be a relief to get rid of it all, one day soon, but for now I mourn what could have been. How much my kids would have loved to have another sibling. How much time and discussion went into whether or not to do this transfer and what it would mean for our family. How much we put on hold because of my need to prioritize it and give it the best chance possible.
I feel relief. It's not the results I wanted or expected, but a negative HCG is a blessing that brings quick and complete closure to a very long journey. If it wasn't meant to be, I’m at peace knowing we gave it everything we had and did all we could.
The tears continue to flow. Unlike all the other failed transfers, I can't comfort myself with a resolve to try again soon. This was our last embryo and there are no more chances. Praying there's no drama when I go in for the beta.